It has been one week since I farewell my dearest. 2 weeks since his passing. The funeral was wonderful, exactly how he would have wanted it. Great friends, family & awesome music. I managed to say my eulogy, which in itself was a massive achievement. At now 32, I can say I have done a lot of things many others have (travel, kids etc) but I stand proud to know that I have known true love- something many others never experience in their whole lives. I had it for 15 years, and I am a better person because of the whole journey. I have my moments, today was a little hard- my first valentines day single. It brings a whole new range of emotions which I find extremely hard to control, I have no one that wants to make me feel special & rock my world. ***I'm 32, a mum, and single*** I no longer have someone who adores me & tells me that daily- I struggle with the deep inner thoughts that my subconscious places trying to destroy me from the inside. I have this fighting need for independence, but yet this constant need for acceptance. Others around me don't quite understand me, they can't begin to comprehend what I have gone through. They tip toe around me, scared they will make me cry. I joke to lighten the mood, and find myself confusing others even more. As many of you on here can appreciate -This is something as a carer for your partner that is difficult to come to terms with. You & your needs are no longer important during the CANCER journey. Not many people can understand the intense need to feel like a lover (not a friend,a carer, a mum etc) and for me (like I'm sure many others) it has been so very long, and I am scared that I don't have ability to do so anymore. I have taken great solace in music, I've had special friends that listen to me over analyse everything whilst I desperately try to find the real me. A great friend, who came out of the blue, tore my world apart & showed me I could still smile & laugh even though it felt like my insides where collapsing like the world trade towers. Each day is a new day, sometimes more lonely than others but with time- I know that this too shall pass. My journey here has ended. This will probably be my last entry, as I start the new journey of discovering Mel. I, like the world trade centre, will eventually be rebuilt. No longer the same, but hopefully better, stronger & more empowered. Please feel free to continue to PM, I am always here to help or be a shoulder to cry on. “The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt
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