27th of March i walk into the Cancer clinic, not knowing what to expect, not knowing if im okay after having such a big surgery 2 weeks earlier. I sit and wait a hour felt like hours and hours and finally the call my family and partner to the room, i sit down and she ask general question such as " How did your surgery go?" so forth, then it comes to the moment i wasn't expecting "Luke i have some bad new for you, you have cancer and there's 50/50 chance the treatment will work" my instant reaction i said "And your point is?" I didn't realise what she had just told me, my mind wasn't taking it in, didn't want no part of it. I looked around the room at my family and my partner, my mother her face turned white and she started to cry, it broke my heart to see my mother blame herself i grab her hand and held it tight the she asked "Why is this happening, hes had this tumor since he was in my stomach, that's 21 years, what have i done wrong?" doctor just replied "Its no ones fault it just happens there's nothing you could of done to stop it, hes was just one on the 1 in 40,000 people that are unlucky. The news come down to i had to have chemotherapy or the tumor would grow back for sure 100%. We walked out of the room and sat out on the benches outside, before i could even sit down i collapsed on the bench and started to shake then all of a sudden BANG it hit me, "Luke you have Cancer" i couldn't do anything, i couldn't talk, all i could do was cry. My partner held me as i cried telling me it would be okay and all will be fine, i wanted to believe that, i really did. and it would be no big deal but my mind was telling me completely something different after her telling me 50/50 of the chance of the treatment my mind was telling me " Am i going to die from this?" i couldn't get over the fact what was going on i ready escaped death by a near miss already 2 weeks earlier and i have done it again, whens this going to end, i couldn't handle what i had been told, i cried for days and days until there was no more tears to cry. Then it came to my first round of chemo starting on the 8th of April, i woke up that morning feeling really unsure and really confused. I walked in the treatment center and started crying because it all become so real, after my first day my body didn't like what they were putting in my system. I still had my surgery to recover from, i still had a open chest wound and i was still in alot of pain from them breaking my chest cavity open. The drugs made me so ill, i couldn't think, couldn't drink, couldn't eat. My treatment days were Monday to Friday for 3-4.5hrs a day, but has the week went i felt more and more ill to the fact i would lay in bed with my partner and i couldn't even lift my arm or legs up, felt like i couldn't do anything but lay there and throw up, which was painful due to my broken chest cavity. I finally finished my first round of chemo,i started out no different i was still crying every day i couldn't stop it, i would, without knowing why. I got so frustrated with myself because everything was such a big effort even normal day things like breakfast, showering, walking, i did them but after i was to tried to even move. As the week went forward i started to return to my normal self, i was gaining some energy, my mind started working again. I started to feel happy and my emotions were in tact, i could make decisions for myself because before i would get confused over the littlest things like changing the channel on the tv. Then the second round of chemo came, this week my body took to it better then the first. I was still sick, i still had no energy, mind still wasn't working but seem to go quicker, but then one day i brushed my hair after i had a shower and a large amount of my hair came out, i was in shock, i just didn't know what to think doctor told me maybe, and me thinking bit by bit but NO! After this happen it became like okay this is really happening and your going to be bald, it frighted me im not going to lie, i know loosening your hair is not like the end of the world but to me it was a big deal. Three days went past but this time i lost most of my hair, i was so angry i just wanted to blame someone, or smash everything i owned, i couldn't deal with it, i just wanted it all to be a dream and go away. Its so hard for me to describe how i feel before hand but now its a tad easier, but the only was i can describe it to like this! It's the hardest thing iv'e done in my life, i cant run and hide, i have sit in the corner with no escape, i feel like i cant breathe, i cant think, i don't know where i am or whats going on. I feel okay somedays but others i feel like there's nothing left for me, im done, im ready to leave this earth take me and quick. My brain tells me "Luke you have to fight harder then ever have even though you are fight harder you have no choice then tells me Luke give up your body's done its had enough just live with what you have until it takes your life. Your emotions are your worse enemy, even though you cant control them or help it there playing tricks on you. My emotional state is nothing, i have never felt so weak and so low ever, i went from being such a strong minded person and would stand my own ground and deal with my problems without anyone's input, now i cant even make my own decisions due to my own body isn't letting me which makes me feel pretty stupid. In public people stare at me, and i know there starting at me, that's when i just want to just lock myself in my room and not come out. I don't understand how i can go from being perfectly fine to being a walking medical case in less then a month?! It has destroyed me in every way. But then at the end of the day a new day is always going to arise and life goes on. Hopefully there is luck for me, because im tired, and so weak i have nothing left to fight with!!
3 Comments
Super Contributor
Luke,it's very difficult for anyone to deal with the fact that they have cancer in the beginning . If treatment is successful it becomes easier to accept over time .It may not seem so at this stage but that's what many find . I wish you well .
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Hey Luke, it is such a scary time. Sometimes you just can't accept it is happening. Nothing i can say to you will make you feel better. even after the treatment phase you fear a slippery little sucker cancer cell escaped. but as you said a new day arise and you have hope it will be good for you. that is the seed you have to sew in you - tell it to grow and tell it is nourished by others love and hope for you as strongly as your own essence hopes it. it isn't an easy time, but don't try and fight it go with the flow. try anything that will help you, Reiki, massage, meditation, being with those you love, being in nature, reading joyful hopeful books, talking to those that get what is happening to you, prayer,even if you don't believe, it is a powerful thing to know people you don't even know think enough of you to pray for you. listen to your favourite music, discover newer genres open your self up to all possibilities= get someone else to be hopeful for you and enjoy their hopefulness and belief in your healing yours will grow too. i am praying, thinking and sending you my very best wishes Luke, because these helped me too when i was undergoing operations and treatment.
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Lukke1992 I feel for what you are going through at such a young age, you will be surprised how much the body can absorb, and the hidden strength that can rise, as you face this massive crisis with your health,we each respond differently to Cancer.It is very daunting to have all these treatments happening to your body and leave you with a weakened body and mind after surgery and the side effects Chemo brings. It takes time to adjust after surgery physically and mentally so don't be to hard on your self, it may help if you have a chat to a professional or medico. I had a chat at one stage and I got a different perspective on approaching how to deal with the changes in my life Cancer was causing. I wish you the best with the challenges ahead you face kj
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