Thank you Maddie86 I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm on a lot of different pain medication due to damage during surgery and chemotherapy which is quite painful. I'm slowly getting there but got a long way to go.
... View more
It's all over, the hardest year of my life turning 21, it's meant to be a mild stone and a happy time in your life but sure hasn't been for me . Having open chest surgery, having a tumor removed then finding out it spread and having to have chemo 5 days a week for 6 months wasn't fun at all, but hey the treatment worked, it's all over now, i wont let cancer take the most important time of my life away from me, all i can say is it does get better. Now its time to move on to bigger and better things and enjoy life again 🙂
... View more
I totally understand how you feel, i just finished having life saving surgery, and having chemo at the same time. and ive just turned 21 I admire your strength and and your will to stand by his side. He apologizes because due to the fact your hurting and there's nothing he can do to stop it and reason your hurting is because of him. Only thing you can do is stay strong for him and comfort him and tell him one day at a time and there is light at the end of the tunnel. I admit being in the position of having cancer your whole life is falling apart and so is everyone s around you, and you do feel guilt but there's nothing you can do.
I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out fine :)
... View more
7/3/13 it all started, waking up in the morning with my head locked to the left side without being able to straighten it and a painful shoulder & shortness of breath, I thought to myself “something is wrong,this is not right”. I go to the local GP to let them see if there is any reason why this is so. She examines me, she tells me “ forget the x-rays, go to Emergency” by this time I’m thinking “I’m going to go there, have a x-ray and tell me oh you have just dislocated your shoulder” but wasn't I wrong for sure, they found that I had a collapsed lung with they said it hasn't for a while and a large tumor mass embedded in my chest cavity it was a mass of 1kg (15.8cm in width, 11.8cm and height) this did two things it had collapsed my lung and pushed it under my arm, and was also crushing my heart,and slowly cutting off blood from my aorta which is the largest artery in your body that carries 75% of your oxygen to your blood. By this time I was freaking out like what’s going on, I just came in for a x-ray.
A lung specialist had arrived to see me and explain what was going on, she tells me “Luke we need to fix this as soon as possible, this life threatening, you’re a very lucky boy that you came in now and we have found this or in a month you wouldn't have made it”. I looked at my mother and I could see the fear in her face it scared me, I grabbed her hand as she cried and told her “its okay mum I will be okay”. An hour past and a surgeon by the name of Dr Peter Flynn which is a Cardiothoracic Surgeon camea nd seen me and told me “Luke were going to operate on you this afternoon” by this time I was so confused & scared with what was going on, by they couldn't operate because I had eaten and they can’t put you under General anesthetic due to you have no control of your gag reflex you can choke to death.
That night they moved me to ICU (Intensive Care Unit) to keep me under close watch. I had a single room, it was so cold and so dark, felt like it had been empty for years, I laid in that room with oxygen to help me breathe for 3 days, waiting for Monday 11/3/13 1.30pm for them to operate, by this time had come around I had all my family there to support me and keep me together. They wheeled me down to theatre, it felt like it took forever, I laid in the bed and my family said goodbye, my mum gave me a kiss and said “Good luck see you when you wake up”then my partner came, he started to cry he didn't say anything, but I knew he was scared whether I would come out alive or not. It hurt me to see him like that, but I knew I will be alright. They wheeled me into the operating theater and I laid on the operating table, there were 20+ doctors and nurses in this small room, they put the mask over my mouth and nose, I tried to push it off because it was stopping me from breathing and felt like I was suffocating, that’st he last thing I remember.
4.5hrs past and the operation was done, I remember the nurse trying to wake me up by tapping on my face, all I remember is feeling the worse pain I felt in my life, they had cut me from the top of my chest to the bottom and broken my chest cavity right down the middle and wired it back together. I don’t remember going back to ICU (Intensive Care Unit) or the rest of that night.
I woke upt hat morning and a the ICU main nurse came in and told me “Luke you have gas bubble in your stomach we might have to put a tube up your nose down to your stomach to drain it out” then later that another nurse came to remove the lung tube, I laid in my bed with my mum and partner beside me, I could hear them talking but I couldn't see them as my eyes were rolling in the back of the head with all the medication, they gave me morphine and all I remember it felt like my skin was on fire I was scratching,felt like I was ripping my skin off as I was doing so. She said “Are you ready?’and she stared to pull the tube out I started to cry it hurt. After that I must have pasted out due to being exhausted but I woke up that night around 1.30am,and I was hallucinating, I seen people looking through the little square windows in the doors and a lady standing in my room in the corner with a burnt face, the doors where closed lights were off and all I could hear was the machines beeping and all I wanted was for it to go away.
Next day I was a little more conscious, my friend came to see me at 10am, then a Dr come in to see me to put in a Nasogastic tube down to my stomach to remove the gas bubble which the tube is 120cm long and half a inch thick. She squired a local anesthetic up my nose and it ran down the back of my throat, which felt like someone had squirted acid up my nose and down the back of my throat it burnt, I cried as she shoved the tube up my nose and as she reached the back of my throat the tube scrapped the back of my throat which hurt. After all was done every time I moved my head I could feel the tube moving from the back of my throat to my stomach.
... View more
27th of March i walk into the Cancer clinic, not knowing what to expect, not knowing if im okay after having such a big surgery 2 weeks earlier. I sit and wait a hour felt like hours and hours and finally the call my family and partner to the room, i sit down and she ask general question such as " How did your surgery go?" so forth, then it comes to the moment i wasn't expecting "Luke i have some bad new for you, you have cancer and there's 50/50 chance the treatment will work" my instant reaction i said "And your point is?" I didn't realise what she had just told me, my mind wasn't taking it in, didn't want no part of it. I looked around the room at my family and my partner, my mother her face turned white and she started to cry, it broke my heart to see my mother blame herself i grab her hand and held it tight the she asked "Why is this happening, hes had this tumor since he was in my stomach, that's 21 years, what have i done wrong?" doctor just replied "Its no ones fault it just happens there's nothing you could of done to stop it, hes was just one on the 1 in 40,000 people that are unlucky. The news come down to i had to have chemotherapy or the tumor would grow back for sure 100%. We walked out of the room and sat out on the benches outside, before i could even sit down i collapsed on the bench and started to shake then all of a sudden BANG it hit me, "Luke you have Cancer" i couldn't do anything, i couldn't talk, all i could do was cry. My partner held me as i cried telling me it would be okay and all will be fine, i wanted to believe that, i really did. and it would be no big deal but my mind was telling me completely something different after her telling me 50/50 of the chance of the treatment my mind was telling me " Am i going to die from this?" i couldn't get over the fact what was going on i ready escaped death by a near miss already 2 weeks earlier and i have done it again, whens this going to end, i couldn't handle what i had been told, i cried for days and days until there was no more tears to cry.
Then it came to my first round of chemo starting on the 8th of April, i woke up that morning feeling really unsure and really confused. I walked in the treatment center and started crying because it all become so real, after my first day my body didn't like what they were putting in my system. I still had my surgery to recover from, i still had a open chest wound and i was still in alot of pain from them breaking my chest cavity open. The drugs made me so ill, i couldn't think, couldn't drink, couldn't eat. My treatment days were Monday to Friday for 3-4.5hrs a day, but has the week went i felt more and more ill to the fact i would lay in bed with my partner and i couldn't even lift my arm or legs up, felt like i couldn't do anything but lay there and throw up, which was painful due to my broken chest cavity.
I finally finished my first round of chemo,i started out no different i was still crying every day i couldn't stop it, i would, without knowing why. I got so frustrated with myself because everything was such a big effort even normal day things like breakfast, showering, walking, i did them but after i was to tried to even move. As the week went forward i started to return to my normal self, i was gaining some energy, my mind started working again. I started to feel happy and my emotions were in tact, i could make decisions for myself because before i would get confused over the littlest things like changing the channel on the tv.
Then the second round of chemo came, this week my body took to it better then the first. I was still sick, i still had no energy, mind still wasn't working but seem to go quicker, but then one day i brushed my hair after i had a shower and a large amount of my hair came out, i was in shock, i just didn't know what to think doctor told me maybe, and me thinking bit by bit but NO! After this happen it became like okay this is really happening and your going to be bald, it frighted me im not going to lie, i know loosening your hair is not like the end of the world but to me it was a big deal. Three days went past but this time i lost most of my hair, i was so angry i just wanted to blame someone, or smash everything i owned, i couldn't deal with it, i just wanted it all to be a dream and go away.
Its so hard for me to describe how i feel before hand but now its a tad easier, but the only was i can describe it to like this!
It's the hardest thing iv'e done in my life, i cant run and hide, i have sit in the corner with no escape, i feel like i cant breathe, i cant think, i don't know where i am or whats going on. I feel okay somedays but others i feel like there's nothing left for me, im done, im ready to leave this earth take me and quick. My brain tells me "Luke you have to fight harder then ever have even though you are fight harder you have no choice then tells me Luke give up your body's done its had enough just live with what you have until it takes your life. Your emotions are your worse enemy, even though you cant control them or help it there playing tricks on you. My emotional state is nothing, i have never felt so weak and so low ever, i went from being such a strong minded person and would stand my own ground and deal with my problems without anyone's input, now i cant even make my own decisions due to my own body isn't letting me which makes me feel pretty stupid. In public people stare at me, and i know there starting at me, that's when i just want to just lock myself in my room and not come out. I don't understand how i can go from being perfectly fine to being a walking medical case in less then a month?! It has destroyed me in every way. But then at the end of the day a new day is always going to arise and life goes on. Hopefully there is luck for me, because im tired, and so weak i have nothing left to fight with!!
... View more
Cancer Council NSW would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which we live and work.We would also like to pay respect to elders past and present and extend that respect to all other Aboriginal people.