Hi everyone,
I just got myself quite upset and worked up and feeling the need to vent.
I'm usually quite good at judging things impartially, but in this case I don't trust myself - I could just be looking at things from a skewed perspective
BUT
I'm feeling really under-represented as a Stage IV cancer patient. Those with Stage IV do not have much time left - this is an emergency! We have no cure! We need it NOW!
I'm usually very positive and grateful. Here is me dropping the bundle. Sorry everyone. I know that support is important. Early detection is important. Awareness is important. Every cancer patient is very important and every one of their needs are very important.
But none of those things are going to save my life now (yes early detection could have but it didn't).
My life. Not my quality of life. Not my self esteem, not finances, my relationships. All those things are precious and fragile but they can be rebuilt. Its hard and it takes years. And I won't get the opportunity.
This has been brewing for a while now, and this afternoon I read a comment that had no harm intended - in fact it was intended to support survivors - which is a wonderful and important thing, but for me it turned out to be the straw on the happy-positive-grateful-camels back.
My theory is Stage IV is much more confronting so people are scared to tackle it. And that Stage IV patients need more advocates, and they themselves are kinda busy.
At the moment I'm seeing lots of work towards awareness, early detection, support through treatment, moving forward after treatment, and remembering those we've lost too soon. And not nearly enough being done to turn Stage IV into a survivable disease. I know some things are being done but it seems like far too little to me.
My other theory is that I'm being selfish. That because my cancer is Stage IV I think that should be treated with higher priority, and don't feel what is being done is enough.
I just tried to call the cancer council to see if they could send me some info focused on Stage IV patients/treatment/etc but they are after hours.
I'm writing this with some regret. I shouldn't rant online. It is selfish and unhelpful and given that I've written it in an unedited stream of consciousness I may have said some stupid hurtful things.
And yet I think I'm still going to hit 'post'? I could just delete it and go watch the sunset and hug my husband. That's probably what I should do. But I've been so mad I can hardly think straight, and perhaps part of the problem is that I haven't been admitting to others I've been having these selfish thoughts. So here it goes - I'm putting it out there.
I fully encourage you to pull me up, educate me or just call me a selfish dickhead if you like.
