What do I feel? I feel everything and I feel nothing. I feel exhausted, emotionally, mentally, physically and socially. I feel frustrated, angry, ripped off and cheated. I feel scared,I feel sad and I feel like I haven't taken a breath that completely fills my lungs for the last 14 months. I feel like I want to cry an ocean of tears and yet none come. I feel useless. I feel empty. I feel resentment and resentful. I feel lazy. I have nothing to give, I'm all out of everything. I am numb.
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Hi Mrs Elton, I have re-read all of your blogs again today as I have previously. Life is so different for you now...and if I could have one wish granted today, it would be to take away the pain and anguish you and your family have. So today, please know that you will be in my thoughts. Do what you want and the way you want to do it. Katie
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Super Contributor
Jill Be kind to you!! Gosh, you know what?? You are human and thats what your feelings are saying, nothing more and nothing less. Stop being so hard on yourself. ~~ Sending you a bunch of roses ~~ hugssss Julie xoxo
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Contributor
Be kind to yourself Jill. When you find you have nothing left to give, somehow you will find the energy to give more. But also its a signal that perhaps you should accept any help given by anyone. Its little solace but please know that there are people who understand what you are going through and who are here to provide what support they can give. Hug ( a big long one) Sangeeta
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Contributor
Sangeeta, I truly don't know how you do it. I don't know how you have found the strength to go back to work, find a new home, nurture your girls. Greg is still well enough to basically look after himself and yet I seem to have fallen in this huge hole that I can't climb out of. Everytime I get to the top, the sides crumble away and I lose my grip and fall to the bottom again and the hole is just wider. I feel so inadequate and am angry with myself that I can't be grateful for what I have. How do you do it? I am so scared, if I can't cope now, how on earth will I cope when things get worse? Jill
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Contributor
Oh Jill If Greg is well enough can I suggest you try to find a day for yourself. Getting away from things even for a day or better still a weekend may be the boost that you need. You need time to yourself to process what has been thrown at you, to grieve the situation you have been put in and to come to terms with it as best you know how. Taking care of you now will mean you have better resources to take care of Greg and the boys later. Sangeeta
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Regular Contributor
Jill, My heart goes out to you, partly because through you I am reliving the agony that a friend went through 5 and 1/2 years ago. I can't say that the journey for her was easy but she came through. She also asked us for help whenever she needed it and also accepted offers of kindness when ever they presented themselves. I have just come home from my session with a counsellor where ,with some anti-d meds, I have begun to climb from the hole and the sense of merely existing that I too experienced(even though your situation is infinitely worse than mine. Please take a bucket load of cyberhugs and the thoughts that you have many others thinking of you. Take lots of care of yourself. S
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Occasional Contributor
Jill, It is hard to be grateful for what we have when one of things we have is cancer. This disease changes our whole lives and coping in the *normal* realm is not really an option. You are doing all you can in order to make someone you love very much, as comfortable and supported as you can. Please realise that, that is wonderful, brave and one of the most difficult things that any human has to endure. Give yourself a break to vent and relieve the stress...you DO deserve it. Many hugs and positive energies Dizzy
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