I am not living. I am existing.
Living means that something is alive, something is growing, in my case the only thing growing is my waist-line.
I don't feel alive, obviously I am because I am breathing, I exist, but I am not alive.
To be alive means there is joy and passion, lightness, energy, anticipation and happiness.
I want to feel alive. I don't remember how to.
I have existed for the last 14 months, sometimes I have lived, there have been moments of freedom from the overwhelming sense of sadness and insecurity that cancer brought to our lives.
Those moments are occurring less and less.
How do I start to live again? How do I look to the future with eager anticipation instead of dread? How do I enjoy each day now? How do I accept that I can't control this? How do I deal with the uncertainty? How can I 'be positive'? How do I change my thinking?
How do I stop existing and start living?
