Mum was due for her oncology appointment on Friday. We were expecting to learn about the chemo schedule that would follow (either in combination with radiation or, fingers crossed, with the surgery). I could tell immediately that something was wrong. She had pity in her eyes. The eyes told it all. Then she started asking Mum what she knew about her cancer. I felt myself get hot and then faint at the same time.
The surgeon from a week ago didn't even have the guts to tell Mum personally that he wouldn't operate. The oncologist did that. It was devastating. Mum has gastric adenocarcinoma, stage iv, m1. This is another primary cancer and not related to Mum's primary breast cancer 2 years ago.
I had to drag this description out of the oncologist. She refused to answer my Mum's question about 'how long have I got', replying that she simply didn't know but they would do all that they good (which is a load of crap because they will not give her the surgery.
This has turned me into a google doctor and I honestly wish I hadn't.
I am devastasted. I love my Mum so much and I feel my heart has been ripped open.
I am worried about my life without her it in. I depend on her for so much. There are so many things we are meant to do together that we haven't done yet. I can't bear the thought of her not being a part of my life. I am terrified at the prospect of having children one day without her there to help me. I just don't think I can do it.
Mum will have the DCF chemo regime and they will hold off doing radiation for as long as possible. This is Docetaxel, cisplatin, 5Fluorouracil. I could have those spellings wrong.
I hate the thought of my Mum having cancerous floaties in her which will be doing more harm. It makes me anxious thinking about it.
The chemo starts on the 22nd. I wanted to take Mum to Venice for a holiday but we all want Mum to start Chemo quickly so that's not an option. I always dreamed of taking Mum to Venice.
We have a little over a week till chemo starts. My Dad, Mum and I are going to go to New Caledonia for a break. I want my Mum and Dad to have some special memories together before things get tough. I would like my Brother to come as well but he is the primary carer for a family friend of ours who also has stomach cancer.
My husband is being very supportive. I wish I could stop bursting into tears all the time. It just hurts so much.
