His Beautiful Blue Eyes Closed!

[Deni_55]

Kevin passed away 28th Nov 2012! It was very peaceful. He took a seizure Th 22Nov whilst having Avastin ( no known connection). Would try again. Was admitted to hospital and transferred to Monash Clayton. The Asphagia and I guess the brain cancer made it difficult for him to communicate and he couldn't stand on his own. I didn't know how I would manage him at home if he couldn't stand to get from the bed to the wheelchair etc. I didn't need to worry as later that day he took a seizure from which he did not really recover consciousness or whatever level he was at. On the Tues morn I received a phone call from the Dr saying that he had pneumonia and nothing more to be done except oxygen and morphine. I stayed with him Tuesday and Tuesday night as did his Mother. I spoke regularly to him, giving him my love and permission to leave and to take my heart with him as his heart would remain with me. Wed morning when his niece arrived, I spoke to him passing my love, telling him he was not alone and was safe and that I would be going home briefly to see to our cats and get some things and for him to do whatever he needed to. I knew what he was going to do. After I had been at home, his niece called to say he was deteriorating. I asked her to tell him I was on my way back but not to wait for me. When I got there, he had passed peacefully with his niece holding his hand and face. His breathing had clamed down and when she said my name he took a deep breath, she passed on my words and he took 3 slow breaths, shed a tear and left us. I was not upset about not being there as that is how it was just meant to be. As I was leaving I said to him silently "You little bugger, you are going to leave when I go." Our journey is over and we are both beginning new journeys. I hope his had not been difficult like mine. Our Bhuddist Monk advised me not to analyse the situation and just let it be and for me to feel the relief for me and him. This was hard to practice and makes sense now. Though it is S##t!!. I feel I am only starting to turn the corner. The anguish, hurt, pain, recriminations has been unbelievable. Everything I see, touch, hear, feel etc is al about Kevin and what he would have liked/hated, said,felt, done. Thank god for patient family and friends who can tolerate the verbal diarrhoea. The shoulder heaving sobbing and crying out "why aren't you here?" "where are you?" "please just come back" has slowly been subsiding to a calmer place. I am grieving for Kevin, the sad times in his life, and the change in our relationship as I get used to his presence in my life being a very different presence, now that the physical is no more. I am also grieving for being single again. We were together for 13years which included many happy and troubled times, and there was always love. He was always there for me to lean on and make everything ok. I am slowly clearing out his things from his office which brought back good and sad memories. It had been quite cathartic though. I started taking some of his clothes (the ones he didn't wear much) to the op shop. I can say today I feel stronger. I have made some decisions on my own that he may not agree with but they suit me as a sinlge woman such as the garden. I have to make it low maintenance. I'm sure he won't mind. I am attending a workshop in Canberra in Feb and had to book the accomodation as 1 Adult not 2 etc. I have kept an almost daily journal of the grieving process as I did our conversations in recent times and things he wanted to tell me as I am afraid I will forget. I heard an interesting remark by Judi Dench in her role as Evelyn in "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel." "There is no past we can bring back by longing for it. Only a present that builds and creates itself as the past withdraws." How very apt. I have found this (which I heard only today) as most comforting. Hugs to you all!!!