My mother passed away from Stomach Cancer on 12 August (2 & 1/2 month ago). Her months of suffering and her death are haunting me in the way of flashbacks and constant nightmares.
How on earth do I 'get over it' when it's so raw; replaying in my mind over & over again. The nightmares are terrible, and they are a mix of what actually happened and my mind adding more awful things. Last night I dreamt I was her during her final stage; trapped inside a dying, almost comatose body filled with excrutiating pain & experiencing embarrassing bodily functions in the presence of blaze nurses & doctors who were taking stabs in the dark in trying to alleviate my symptoms. How on earth my mother really felt, or what percentage of the time she was 'all there' is unknown, during that last week anyway. Then again, being such a proud woman who hated to burden her family, the pain and suffering was probably a lot worse than she let on. During the last two months of her life it was impossible for the doctors to get the pain meds right. And what's she up to now? Is she at peace? I haven't had any of those post-death contact experiences with her, and it's something I crave. Another family member will tell me that mum has appeared to her, & she passes on little messages sometimes; but this makes me angry. Why on earth would my mother pass on a message to me through somebody else, instead of contacting me directly? (especially when I'm so desperate to see her again??)
That's it for now; rant/cry over.
Apologies for the sadness & anger - I really need an outlet right now, and this seems an appropriate place for that.
Thank you.
