I don't know what it is, can't put my finger on it, don't understand it, don't know what to say.... This is my predicament and I don't have the answers (yet again!) My parent have been married of 50 years, no dramas ever (well not that I can recall), no cross words in front of us kids, I was blessed to have 'ideal' parents. NOW, this blood cancer is here, it is trying to destroy my family, mum and dad are fighting (and boy the words used can't be repeated), dad says that he is leaving mum, mum is crying, dad just won't talk to anyone and I don't know what caused this change. He was in hospital for the last week, and then mum and dad had words on Sunday when she caught him smoking (now 70 years old and smoked since he was 16), she knew that he was trying hard not to smoke but she walked in on Sunday to see him out in the courtyard looking like a kid in a candy shop, having a smoke! She said that she really disappointed and probably said some things that she shouldn't have and left, only returning Monday to pick him up when he was okay to be discharged. Dad came home Monday and announced that he is leaving after his scan in May. End of story, no correspondence being entered into! He has withdrawn half their money and opened a new bank account, he is looking for a panel van to buy (sorry I don't know what they are called these days), and after his scan he is taking off! I spoke to him today and yesterday and he hasn't said anything at all to me. My mum is distraught and my sister is beside herself! I have booked flights to see him over the Easter weekend, I don't really know what I will say to him/them, all I know is that this just doesn't seem real and I don't know what to do to help. I have a gut feeling that something else has been said by someone but I have no idea who or what. Has anyone else had this?? What am I suppose to say? I would love some words of wisdom or advice if anyone can help. Again, I have waffled on, I hope everyone is doing well, I think today is the day that Chris' dad arrives for two weeks...I hope all goes better than expected Chris! Katie 🙂
8 Comments
Frequent Contributor
Fighting about the cigarettes together is probably less painful than facing the cancer alone - as each of them necessarily is at the moment. And running away fits with that too. Poor people. I feel for them and for you. There will be some help avaialable, though, I'm sure. A bit of talking. H
0 Kudos
Deceased
G'day Katie I really do feel sorry for both your Mum and Dad. OK he's cancer and may not be around for much longer. He's smoked since he was 16, stopping now is probably not going to change much - might make him breathe a bit easier but nicotine is a pretty powerful addictive agent - is it really worth the effort? Chemo can do strange things to the brain - we all sometimes have dreams of heading off into the wild blue yonder, taking that '60's panel van and heading bush, loading up the yacht and heading off across the pacific. Family, no matter how much we love them can sometimes be the reason we don't do these things. Perversely it can also because we do love our family so much we want to spare them the pain of seeing us so ill, so we try and protect them by distancing ourselves from them. I'm not making excuses for anyone, it is just that I have heard these sorts of reasons given for strange behaviour. You need to be there for both of them, not taking sides but caring for them both. So make sure that you get the help you need. Blog away and dump stuff here - that's what the site is for. Use the cancer helpline 13 11 20, or see you GP about getting access to a psychologist - there are several schemes available for you to get assistance from medicare. Take care Sailor Any fool can carry on, but a wise man knows how to shorten sail in time. Joseph Conrad
0 Kudos
Not applicable
Dear all, PLEASE NOTE: This commercial post has been removed by the Administration Team as it breaches the terms and conditions of usage for the website. Kind regards Kate Cancer Connections Coordinator
0 Kudos
Not applicable
Hi Sailor and Harker, Thank you so much for your replies. They have helped me incredibly! Thank goodness for a new day. I had a restless night but also sorted through a few issues. I have sought further medical information regarding his lungs and the cysts in them, researched and spoken to medical staff about the side affects of the chemo along with his condition and have found out some very interesting facts. I am going to see him this weekend and see what I can do to support them where they need it. In all of this so far, I have learnt that not everything can be controlled, no one reacts the same way and the mind has amazing ways of working. Sailor you hit the nail on the head with what dad wants to do and now I have an understanding of why. One bright (or maybe not) moment I had in the wee hours of this morning was to realise that this has NOTHING to do with the "blue moon" we witnessed last night! Thank goodness for that! Strange that I look for any excuse as to why things happen the way they do. Thank you again Sailor and Harker, you have helped me more than I can explain. We are lucky to have you! Katie 🙂
0 Kudos
Regular Contributor
Hi Katie, I had a friend who was diagnosed with brain tumours and after the third bout of surgery and not being able to have anymore radiation or chemo, he got back on the smokes and bourbon. It upset his wife and his friends but they came to the resolution that it really wasn't going to make any differnece now and that it helped him through some of the awful stages. I don't know if this helps but it may help explain the unusual behaviour. I really hope that things settle down for you all. The dieseas is hard enough let alone the collateral damage that we have discussed before. Take care of yourself and your parents and remember to offlaod when ever the need arises. Samex
0 Kudos
Not applicable
Thanks Samex, I am starting to get my head around it all. I am flying down for the weekend to see dad. He has some big issues to talk to me about (???), and although I am anxious and nervous, I am really looking forward to seeing him and mum. I also have to talk to mum about not getting herself so distressed, she has been a mess particularly in the last week, she is taking everything personally and I have explained and explained that it isn't personal, it is all part of this hideous disease! I worry that mum is going to have regrets and I don't want her to. She has said a couple of times that she regrets this and regrets that, but she can't! What has been said has been said and she can't turn back time, I guess I am now just as worried about mum as I am dad. I will somehow have to help them both with whatever I can say or do. Again, thank you for your reply Samex, you have put more into perspective for me. Katie 🙂
0 Kudos
Contributor
Hi Katie, I am myself fighting terminal lung cancer, and I know how hard it is to give up the cigarettes. I think this is just the excuse your parents are using to vent their anger not at each other but at what is happening to them, for your father to have a smoke now will probably not make any difference to the outcome. I got very cross with my husband who had one the other day, and I could smell it. He had it to relive some stress and I understand that as well. Be there for both your parents if you can, because they both need you and make sure you have someone to vent to as well. I wish you all the best and hope you can all find a way to support each other. xoxox Sylvie
0 Kudos
Contributor
Hi Katie. So sorry that I haven't been in touch for so long but my dad is really bad and my SIL has lost his dad to pancreatic cancer and my SIL has breast cancer and I am just going day by day. I don't know what to do anymore!!! I will msg u tomorrow xoxo chris
0 Kudos
Post new blog
Talk to a health professional
Cancer Council support and information 13 11 20Mon - Fri 9am - 5pm
Cancer Information and Support

Online resources and support

Access information about support services, online resources and a range of other materials.

Caring for someone with cancer?

Find out what resources and support services are available to assist you.