Since Chris was diagnosed with cancer a week ago today my legs have gone to jelly and my arms seem to follow suit from time to time. Even when I think my mind is being positive and I have pushed the bad thoughts to the side my legs betray me and remind me that all is not well and life will not be the same for a long time....if ever! I long for the week before last when we were oblivious to all of this and words such as Cancer, tumour, CT scan, MRI, chemotherapy, radiation treatment etc belonged to someone else and were rarely thought of in our house. I'm tired of cliches already. Be positive they say, it will be ok, you are strong... Are they psychic, how do they know it will be ok? Am I really strong? I smile and nod, and agree but fear and anxiety creep in and my legs betray me. They say oh I know so and so and they survived! But I also know people who didn't survive. Chris sat by his mate as he slowly slipped away from the same cancer he has. Chris's dad did not survive so how do we stay strong? These 2 special people are constantly in my mind. I don't want to be the one who needs the support. I want to be the friend who is there for them not the one who needs the care. It's going to be a long road. Will it really be ok? What if it's not? Chris really is the air that I breathe and I don't want this for him, I don't want it for our children and I don't want it for me! I cannot begin to imagine life without him. He held our newest grandchild in his arms and he wondered is she here to replace him. We joke and laugh and try to keep things the same as they always have been but my legs turn to jelly and remind me that things are not the same.
