Just want to walk away

[Gardenia]

I have been caring for my husband for several years now and just have had enough. I try my hardest to give him the best care I can but I just have this overwhelming feeling of wanting it all to end so he can be at peace. I cant see how our lives will ever get any better, only more treatments, appointments and him feeling awful which then I get the brunt of. I am struggling so much. Getting time to myself is such a difficult thing. I do it but it is so hard. It feels so bad and selfish to want this to end. Feel so trapped and depressed.

[maddie86]

hey there your not selfish in saying this.. your human.. ive been with my boyfriend for a year with cancer and i have times where i just want to walk away and never come back.. but i know i cant do that to him.. its really hard and i also feel that sometimes my feelings and emotions are put to the side ahead of his.. i get jealous of other couples.. so carefree with no worries! Whats the prognosis for your husband? xo

[#3]

Hi Gardenia, Years is a very long time... It's been no where years for me, yet last week I was at the stage of give and give and give that I was actually resenting the fact that I had to feed the dogs???? How nuts is that? I don't know who made up that thing that makes us feel selfish when we are starved of "me time" because our lives have become about the people we care about? Something there just doesn't add up to me.. Insult to injury I reckon? Thinking like this doesn't change anything of course, We care for the people we care about, but it would be nice when we do have a little left for ourselves, to be allowed to enjoy it.. :) My thoughts are with you.. (I sent a little heart your way, but as you have no idea who I am, Nor do I know if it'd be appreciated, feel free to watch it splat on the wall behind you, sometimes a good splat has a better effect anyway).

[BJS]

Hi Gardenia, It's normal to feel that way, I can't imagine how you wouldn't after caring for someone that long! I've been caring for my husband for the past 10 months & I often feel I'm trapped in limbo. I just hate to see my husband suffering, there isn't much hope for a cure & I dread what is ahead. Don't feel you are selfish, I sometimes think about what my life will be like when all this is over, that may sound selfish but I still like to think I have some good times to look forward to in my life. Continue to take time out for yourself, don't feel guilty about the time you take it's one of the few ways to keep your sanity! I wish you well.

[Gardenia]

Thank you so much Biganka for your sending me your little heart. So beautiful and so appreciated for your kind words of encouragement as well. It all helps not to feel so alone. Sometimes the "me" time is resented by my husband and it is so much more difficult to go but last night I did go to my class. Felt so much better afterwards. Cheers and thanks again so much.

[Gardenia]

Thanks for your reply Maddie86. Prognosis for my husband is unknown but the cancer is aggressive and the chemo is savage and this is the maintenance stage. I wish you well with your relationship with your boyfriend. I now know that cancer is like "the other woman" in a relationship...interfering and wont go away. Cheers!

[Gardenia]

Hey BJS, it was so nice to read your comment. Planning my life as a single woman gives me something to look forward to (although I dread the loneliness) and like you I like to think I have some good times left. Your encouragement was really nice. Thank you!

[Superwoman]

So glad to hear that others have the very same emotions as I. I too have been caring for my husband for over 2 yrs and have been to hell and back with him. I too feel really ripped off at times and think this is not how we planned our lives. I feel resentment at times when most people ask "How is your husband doing"? and I think you could also have asked how I was coping and would I like a hand with anything. Every day is another day with cancer..

[Gardenia]

Hey Superwoman...(love your name)...sometimes I wish I had super powers to make it all disappear. When good meaning friends ask me how am I going, I then get a lecture on how much I have to look after myself...they are right of course, but it is so much harder to do it than say it. At times I feel like I am hanging on by a membrane so when people give me that comment, I want to biff 'em in the nose. Ha you gotta laugh. Cheers and thanks so much for your comment. Hope you are coping well Superwoman!.

[storm]

Hi Gardenia (and others on a like path) My partner has an aggressive brain tumour. Been on the operation radiation/chemo path for the last 4.5 months so not quiet at your stage, but it will eventuate. Hugh hugs for your anguish/resentment. From my perspective and experience, your thoughts are normal, wanting his peace and your release of having to look after him, it happens. If you look closely/deeply enough selfish thoughts are there all the time, we all have them to some degree, and now with you being at a overwhelmed/feed up stage. (especially when there is no time when all this crap will end, a fully spiralling never ending story), they become to your consciousness with a belt. Hugely distressing when we considered ourselves to be giving/caring nurturers giving up more and more of our life time and realise we are really selfish with our own right wanting to chase after “a normal life” whatever that is out there. Its OK, be aware of them, know they will be there for a period (short ?) and go away at some stage only to return again. Guilt is a extreme hard master, in your case mistress, and seriously - the struggles you sound that you are going through are a bitch. I hear your frustration with difficulty getting quality time, but manage it for your sake and your husbands - one grumpy turd in a relationship is enough 2 can be disastrous. Advice that your probably already endured If it gets too much take a hike -- a good brisk walk, run or some type of heavy exercise can take the edge off, and just as you want to be reminded look after yourself no one else will. Regular sleep A good quality and regular daily quiet time meditate pray etc, what ever works for you Ps giving this type of advice will come back to me, I shall be reminded I'm sure (and by a woman hell bent on returning such....shudder to think) Ps Have you spoken to your local community centre - they may provide some respite care. Again huge hugs Geoff

[storm]

Hi Bus Just noticed you on line Hope your well, you sound "well balanced" with your outlook excuse termology I am gettting tired so time for bed. Regards Geoff

[Superwoman]

Yes as a carer I do suffer from the emotions of selfishness, resentment, sadness, fear and hundreds more however, I will never stop loving my husband. He is 40 & we have 3 young children, we have been together for 21 yrs. I also feel very blessed to be his wife & the mother of our children. We have fought, cryed, laughed & loved with each other none of which will ever be forgotten. My negative emotions are only ever released here as an outlet to those who walk in my shoes as only you carers can understand the multitude of emotions we have. For my husband, children's & my sake I WILL be superwoman for as long as it takes.

[Gardenia]

Dear Geoff, Boy..that was just brilliant to read. Thank you for taking the time to lay it all out for me. There are some absolute pearlers in your blog that made me smile and hit home. Thank you again.I feel reassured and not so alone with my toxic thoughts. Its a real hard balance between feeling the love for my husband and fighting with everything else this hideous beast inflicts upon us so I will continue to meditate, go for walks and play my favourite music up loud when I have the house to myself on rare occasions. I wish you well in your struggles caring for your partner Geoff. Thanks also for the hugs which I now send to you. Cheers Gardenia.

[storm]

Gardenia You are a remarkable woman your hugs an dreply have brought a tear to my eye thank you Geoff

[Gardenia]

Oh wow! Thanks Geoff. Have a wonderful weekend.

[storm]

Special hugs for you too Superwoman. A long time you have had together and yet its not that much. I feel your husband is also blessed by your being there, your nurturing, caring and love Be gentle with yourself if you fall flat. It hard looking on and can do no more. Sometimes it becomes a journey all on their own and the hopelessness takes hold. Thats hard and a place I get scared of. Hugs Geoff