My dad with cancer

[chris_martin]

Hi I have posted many blogs on this site about my dad and you all have been great. After time in Gosford hospital my dad was told he couldn't live alone and he had to come live with me(which I have been trying for 18mths). Well we brought him down here and he lasted for 36 hrs before he had to go back to hospital!! I have his rooms set up here but he may never see them as we have been told he can't come home-he is highly dependent and needs nursing home care. This is killing me and my dad as we both want him here with me. Over the past 3weeks he is not the same person - he is disappearing before my eyes- lost so much weight and havinh halluciations and bad dreams and even though my daughter and I are in hospital through the day he doesn't seem to remember!! Sometimes he is lucid but other times he is not. I am trying but my health is bad and at times I feel as though I am having another stroke(after one in 2001) but I really need to be there for my dad as I love him so much. What do I do?

[I_Miss_My_Mums_]

Hi Chris, its hard to care for someone when you, yourself are sick and need taking care of. Spend time with him, let him know your there - like i was told, when i asked the same question about my mum, all you can do is love and love and love and i know it hurts and you want him there at home, i can only imagine, but when he is at that stage; there is nothing you can do, but be strong for him. Take time for yourself too, keep active and keep doing the things you enjoy. Dementia and altziemers are just as horrible as cancer itself, i believe worse at times as it eats away the brain and can never be replaced. How someone can forget so easily is amazing. I certainly feel for what you have been going through over the last few weeks but remember that if your not well, you cant help him or be supportive. So look after yourself Chirs first and your daughter. All the best, keep smiling 🙂

[chris_martin]

Hi thanks for your kind words and I think you know what I am going through.I am trying to be strong for him but it is so hard as everytime I go in to see him he keeps asking when he is coming to live with me and I have been told that will not happen. I just hope he gets into a nursing home around the corner from me but I won't hold my breath. And I don't think dad will last a week in a home. I just hope he doesn't think I put him there even though my 2 brothers thought it best. Thanks again for your support

[I_Miss_My_Mums_]

My nan constantly asked us "when am i coming home?" even though we would tell her thats not going to happen. I think i said it about 500 times at least to her, before and whilst she was in the home. Its not as easy as you think to let go Chris, why dont you think he can adapt. If you can commit to visiting him regularly, a good nursing home should have activities and things to keep your dad busy. I know its takes time and sometimes a few tries to get the right place but hopefully when you do, the fear goes and it becomes a home. Its so easy to sit here and give advice to you when im not living in your shoes, but i hope you stay strong. Keep that chin up. I know its hard, dont sit there with that pain Chris, it will only make it worse and will spiral you into a hole of deep depression that i dont think you want to go down. Prepare yourself - there is not much you can do but in the same breath there are things you can do. Keep telling him why he cant come home, make him understand that he is safer there and that you love him and wish things could be different but its because you love him that he needs to be there. Promise to never forget he is there, to visit and bring him watever he needs. Make his new accomadation feel like home 😉

[chris_martin]

Thanks again.At the moment dad is so confused and it is so hard to see him like that. He was down here with me end June and was so great but has really gone downhill since then. Yes I am telling him I love him and he knows that and I think he knows deep down why he can't come home but as I have said to him I will visit daily and even take him for outings if that is allowed but I think he has given up. He has said to my brothers he just wants to close his eyes and go to sleep but he can't as he worries about me. They say I have to tell him it's ok to go but I don;t want him to go. Maybe I'm selfish but I love my dad so much and don't know what to do

[I_Miss_My_Mums_]

Wow Chris, 😞 i agree with your brothers; its time i think for you to let him go and be at piece. Its not selfish of you at all, its not cruel to let him be free of this pain. If anything, it is the most honarable thing you can do. I would never want to be where you are and i wait everytime for your reply, you must be tired and very confused right now. My mum finally gave my nan the permission to go, after much resilience but she didnt for a long time. When someone is ready to go, they know it - it kind of calls to them i feel. He wants to be in piece, away from this pain and as hard for you as that is, you will always know that you gave him that say in his life. The final say. The most important say in his life. The decision to stop the pain and be happy. Think about if this were you, the life you have already had - the great times, experiences, working a family being a man, a strong man. Now think about what its like for him now. What he must be feeling the anger and frustration of not being the person he used to be. Seeing you in pain would only make it harder. The thought of a life living in a home is not a nice one for anyone. Wow this is really close to home for me and as i sit here tonight my heart goes out to you, not sympathy at all ok but absolute and pure empathy for what you have to deal with. Please think about your dad, dont make him hold on if he doesnt want to. Speak soon

[aussieboone]

Hi chris, you kno you & i are in a similar position because my wife who is only 47 was diagnosed in February this year & now she is in a continueing care facility in the same condition as your dad. My wife also asks everyday when you can come home unfortunately because i have a 16yr old son & after a lot of thought i came to the conclusion that it is not right for our son to see his mother disappearing before his eyes. The doctors have also told me that my wife would be better looked after in a hospital due to the tumours she has on her brain which on bringing on some extreme seizures. Your dad is very lucky to have the staff at gosford looking after him the nurses there are fantastic. My wife was in M2 3 times and everytime made me feel so good about leaving her in there care. Chris i have been visiting my wife everyday for the last 8 weeks & she loves the visit & thats all you have to do. I also agree with the previous comment that you have to look after yourself I know its hard but that is what your dad would want. We all have to make some hard decisions in our life time ii know when i spoke to my wife about what is going to happen when she dies was to hardest conversation i have ever had, i love my wife like you love your dad but we have to tell them its ok to leave us behind & that we will have some great memories that they to will take with them. Every day i tell my wife have much i love her because i never know when the time will come that i won't be able to say to her i love her. Keep strong chris & just be there for your dad and tell him everyday how much you love him...