it just don't seem real, I only had two months to care for you after spending almost twenty years loving you. The cancer came so sudden, you had surgery April 21st, June 22 you passed away in my arms. I brought you home after your surgery because you hated hospitals and wanted to be at home with our pets. I took a leave of absence from work, I dedicated my life to the your servant. I pray I served you well. It was just you and I richard, your family never once visited. I never regretted caring for you, I never became angry or resentful because I knew our days together on this earth would be short. Each day together was a gift, I will always miss you. People ask me how I did it, they thought it was work. Never once did I think of caring for you as work, it was you giving me the gift of your last months, weeks, days, minutes and finally last breath in my arms close to my heart. After I told you it was okay to go, I said I will be fine and I said I love you always, I missed your cheek and you took your final breath. I held you close to me, weaping, grief like I've never felfelft before. My heart aches, my soul hurts, my final gift to you was to give a part of my soul so you wouldn't  e afraid and alone when you started your new journey. Three minutes after you passed on, as I went and held your body close to mind, your family started to arrive, one by one. I thought I'd be angry with them, I wasnt. I felt pitty for I knew the guilt they'd carry their entire lives, I will not carry their  guilt, for I have no reason to. It is their guilt alone, their regrets for not accepting the gift you offered, you last days. I have compassion for them, they lost their son, their  brother. Four days later and I'm still not ready to go out in the world. To have people ask about you, to have the sorrow and hugs. I spent these days at home with or pets. I let the sorrow come, the years flow. This isn't real, it's a nightmare. I wake up to make you your meal or get your meds and remember that you aren't here with me, you had to leave. I understand why, I'm not angry. It isn't real, I held your hand for six days, I slept by your side, I never left your side for those days, and the two months I never kept you out of my sight, I wanted to look at you while I could. The hardest thing was to finally release your hand and walk away from you. To walk away almost killed me, I knew I will never see your face again in this life. I wanted to go with you, I still do. But my time isn't now, but how I wish it was my time. The loneliness started the second I released your hand and left. Thank you my dearest Richard for sharing your life these twenty years, thank you for telling me when your time was almost done here on earth. I will see you later, he at peace my love, I will finish my journey here and then we will be together forever. I love you always, Joe.

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