19 days have passed, it feels like it was yesterday, it feels like it's been a lifetime. My heart aches, the years flow. I allow the grief to come, I do not try to bury it, grief is a testament of love. Even though you passed away in my arms, as I held you close to my heart as I wept, I still can't believe you passed on, this isn't real, I must wake up from this awful dream. I prefer to be alone, people ask questions, I'm not ready to answer, I can't keep my composure yet. They mean well, they aren't trying to hurt me, but help, and show compassion. But they cannot understand why I prefer to be alone, they've been blessed to not feel what so many of us feel. I don't know where my future will lead to, what my plans for tomorrow are, but I do know that although our journey together has ended, the road came to a fork, you went one way, I another. I truly believe that the two roads will again meet and become one, when my journey has ended and we will be together again. How I hated to let your hand go, to walk away. I tried to save you, God knows I tried. But you weren't mine to save, it was your time to go home, your energy went back to the heavens, your body returned to star dust. I love you always my Richard, Joe ... View more

The days are lonely, I prefer to be a!one so I can grieve rather than try to remain strong in front of people. As lonely as the days are, the nights are worse. I wake after a couple hours, thinking I need to check on him to be sure he's okay, just as I have these last month's before he passed away silently in my arms. I brought him home after his emergency brain surgery on april 21, I took a leave of absence from work to care for him. He didnt ask me to but I knew he didn't want to go to the nursing home. I told him I am his servant and will serve him until his last day, I serve out of love and gave my life to him. These two months went fast, never once was it a chore for me, it was a gift of his last two months that was given to me. His parents and siblings never once came to visit, they refused to accept the reality that there is no hope for this cancer of the brain, but I knew from the beginning that my life will forever be changed because my partner of twenty years will parish from this demon called  cancer. I never left his side except to run to the market to buy his food or to the pharmacy for his prescriptions. I only had one meal sitting down, the rest I ate in between the business of all that needed to be done. We're my energy came from I do not know, often non stop up to 20 hours a day. Never did I become tired of complain about the things that needed to be done. I knew with each day, a gift, his time was getting shorter. I had the gift of his last months, weeks, days, hours, minutes and finally his last breath as he lay in my arms. As I slept over his now lifeless body I cried out loud, I'm sorry I couldn't save you, God knows I tried. I held him close to my heart, I held his hand for almost a week, only letting go long enough to let the dogs out of feed them. Then, after he took his last breath and I cried out loud how I tried to save him it occurred to me that in some way I was in denial myself. How could I save him when I knew there was no cure? As I type this the tears flow again and I say to myself once more, I tried to save you, God knows I tried. Three minutes after he passed his younger brother and nephew walked in to see me holding Richard lifeless  body and weeping from my soul. They never even called him when he was sick,  a couple hours later his mother and sister came, I asked why they didn't  come earlier, I told them he was going to pass. His other brother and father never came, never once called. It was just Richard and I, they missed the gift I recieved. A couple days before he passed I thought I'd be angry with them because their lack of visits hurt Richard, he thought they where ashamed of him for having cancer, but instead I woke up with forgiveness and sorrow for their loss, they lost a son, a brother. Richard always took care of them and before he passed I promised him I'd help them thru the grief, and I did.  we  talked every day, in a way my helping them helped me. I will not try to take their guilt away for never visiting him, not will I carry it, it's their guilt alone to carry. Although he passed on to his new journey I'm still can't believe he is really gone, it's a nightmare and I will wake soon. I will never forget how I hated to let his hand go, I knew I'd never hold it again. When I did and walked away it was the loneliest moment of my life. I tried to save you, God knows I tried. ... View more

it just don't seem real, I only had two months to care for you after spending almost twenty years loving you. The cancer came so sudden, you had surgery April 21st, June 22 you passed away in my arms. I brought you home after your surgery because you hated hospitals and wanted to be at home with our pets. I took a leave of absence from work, I dedicated my life to the your servant. I pray I served you well. It was just you and I richard, your family never once visited. I never regretted caring for you, I never became angry or resentful because I knew our days together on this earth would be short. Each day together was a gift, I will always miss you. People ask me how I did it, they thought it was work. Never once did I think of caring for you as work, it was you giving me the gift of your last months, weeks, days, minutes and finally last breath in my arms close to my heart. After I told you it was okay to go, I said I will be fine and I said I love you always, I missed your cheek and you took your final breath. I held you close to me, weaping, grief like I've never felfelft before. My heart aches, my soul hurts, my final gift to you was to give a part of my soul so you wouldn't  e afraid and alone when you started your new journey. Three minutes after you passed on, as I went and held your body close to mind, your family started to arrive, one by one. I thought I'd be angry with them, I wasnt. I felt pitty for I knew the guilt they'd carry their entire lives, I will not carry their  guilt, for I have no reason to. It is their guilt alone, their regrets for not accepting the gift you offered, you last days. I have compassion for them, they lost their son, their  brother. Four days later and I'm still not ready to go out in the world. To have people ask about you, to have the sorrow and hugs. I spent these days at home with or pets. I let the sorrow come, the years flow. This isn't real, it's a nightmare. I wake up to make you your meal or get your meds and remember that you aren't here with me, you had to leave. I understand why, I'm not angry. It isn't real, I held your hand for six days, I slept by your side, I never left your side for those days, and the two months I never kept you out of my sight, I wanted to look at you while I could. The hardest thing was to finally release your hand and walk away from you. To walk away almost killed me, I knew I will never see your face again in this life. I wanted to go with you, I still do. But my time isn't now, but how I wish it was my time. The loneliness started the second I released your hand and left. Thank you my dearest Richard for sharing your life these twenty years, thank you for telling me when your time was almost done here on earth. I will see you later, he at peace my love, I will finish my journey here and then we will be together forever. I love you always, Joe. ... View more