The days are lonely, I prefer to be a!one so I can grieve rather than try to remain strong in front of people. As lonely as the days are, the nights are worse. I wake after a couple hours, thinking I need to check on him to be sure he's okay, just as I have these last month's before he passed away silently in my arms. I brought him home after his emergency brain surgery on april 21, I took a leave of absence from work to care for him. He didnt ask me to but I knew he didn't want to go to the nursing home. I told him I am his servant and will serve him until his last day, I serve out of love and gave my life to him. These two months went fast, never once was it a chore for me, it was a gift of his last two months that was given to me. His parents and siblings never once came to visit, they refused to accept the reality that there is no hope for this cancer of the brain, but I knew from the beginning that my life will forever be changed because my partner of twenty years will parish from this demon called cancer. I never left his side except to run to the market to buy his food or to the pharmacy for his prescriptions. I only had one meal sitting down, the rest I ate in between the business of all that needed to be done. We're my energy came from I do not know, often non stop up to 20 hours a day. Never did I become tired of complain about the things that needed to be done. I knew with each day, a gift, his time was getting shorter. I had the gift of his last months, weeks, days, hours, minutes and finally his last breath as he lay in my arms. As I slept over his now lifeless body I cried out loud, I'm sorry I couldn't save you, God knows I tried. I held him close to my heart, I held his hand for almost a week, only letting go long enough to let the dogs out of feed them. Then, after he took his last breath and I cried out loud how I tried to save him it occurred to me that in some way I was in denial myself. How could I save him when I knew there was no cure? As I type this the tears flow again and I say to myself once more, I tried to save you, God knows I tried. Three minutes after he passed his younger brother and nephew walked in to see me holding Richard lifeless body and weeping from my soul. They never even called him when he was sick, a couple hours later his mother and sister came, I asked why they didn't come earlier, I told them he was going to pass. His other brother and father never came, never once called. It was just Richard and I, they missed the gift I recieved. A couple days before he passed I thought I'd be angry with them because their lack of visits hurt Richard, he thought they where ashamed of him for having cancer, but instead I woke up with forgiveness and sorrow for their loss, they lost a son, a brother. Richard always took care of them and before he passed I promised him I'd help them thru the grief, and I did. we talked every day, in a way my helping them helped me. I will not try to take their guilt away for never visiting him, not will I carry it, it's their guilt alone to carry. Although he passed on to his new journey I'm still can't believe he is really gone, it's a nightmare and I will wake soon. I will never forget how I hated to let his hand go, I knew I'd never hold it again. When I did and walked away it was the loneliest moment of my life. I tried to save you, God knows I tried.
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