Hi Everyone, Haven't managed to blog for a while, things have been hectic the last 5 weeks. My eyes can barely stay awake right now, I am sooooooo tired, yet when I go to bed, sleep doesn't come. Instead it is the silence that is deafening and the ongoing thoughts through my head. I am feeling over-whelmed right now, Christmas was tough enough and New Year's Eve was pretty hard, but yesterday was our eldest son's birthday, he turned 8!! The time has flown by so quickly, we waited 7 long years to get our precious boy, after 8 miscarriages and 3 ectopic pregnancies, IVF and one fallopian tube removed. Then our son was conceived naturally and I was able to 'carry' him to term. He is our miracle boy. In October I really struggled with the preparations for our youngest son's (6) birthday party. I wasn't looking forward to organizing a party for the eldest, I just don't have the strength right now, lucky for me he just wanted to take one mate to the movies to see Alvin and the Chipmunks the Squeakel. Great!! Sitting in a movie theater would mean I was forced to do nothing but sit for an hour and a bit. The movie is all about brothers looking out for brothers and how important family is. I was almost a blubbering mess. Thanks to everyone who has sent me private messages to 'check up on me', I am just so exhausted I haven't taken the time to reply. I really do appreciate your support. Willow, your words were exactly right, have faith in yourself, just by sending me that message you gave me extra strength to get through. I'll try to do a 'proper update' soon. Kind regards Jill.
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Hey Jill! Glad to see you're still around :) I think anyone dealing with cancer kinda vetoed Christmas and NY. Our Christmas was quiet and NYE, even quieter. I worked until 7, then sat on the couch with Rob, glass of wine in hand and watched DVD's. You've been through so much in such a short period of time, no wonder you feel overwhelmed and overtired! They say carers should make sure they look after themselves but how the hell are you supposed to do that when you have a house to run, kids to look after, a business to run, a patient who tests your patience, then Christmas etc. It's nearly impossible! And then, like you say, when silence finally falls, you're left with yourself. I know this sounds a little extreme, but perhaps see your GP and get some sleeping tablets to help you at least get some sleep. Sometimes I don't know how we manage to get through but we do.. Please take care Jill Jo xxx
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Hi Jo, Think you got a bit confused with me and Nickyj, I don't have the business and the patients!!! Maybe its just your pain meds kicking in? Jill.
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Oops, I read your reply to my post before I had read your own post, now I understand that you were talking about yourself in relation to the business and patient problems. Sorry!!!......... I have some sleeping tablets from the Dr, but they really knock me about for a day and a half after taking them and I just can't take that chance at the moment. I'm thinking of getting a friend to have the kids for a sleepover one night so that I can get an early night and a late sleep-in. But.......that's just another thing that needs to be organized and arranged and I am the one who has to do it.....and I AM OVER IT! Just for a little while, I would like to feel NO PRESSURE. As you say, "don't know how we manage to get through, but somehow we do". Take care, Jill.
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Hey Jill YES!! No pressure! What I wouldn't give to just be able to sit and no have to worry that I'm wasting time and that I should be doing something! Why are we the ones who have to organise everything? When I had my birthday last month, Rob and I went to stay at a hotel in the city for 2 nights. We just did nothing, slept alot, ate a lot and just relaxed. It was so nice to not have to worry about anything except what we were going to eat next. It was just blissful.. but unfortunately, short lived. I need the next 6 months to be like that :/ I think the sleepover is a great idea. Even if you have to organise it, it will be worth it to get some decent sleep! Take care Jo
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Hi Jill, Sorry, it is me with the patients and the business (sorry for the trivial blog at a time like this!) My thoughts are with you. I hope you can find some time to 'just be' at the moment. I know my mother when I was having surgery and treatment (and her own business, my business and two year old and all the load I placed on her ) as well as my dad who has had a couple of strokes, ended up dumping me and the two year old for a few days and taking a little break in a motel in the same town with some sleeping tablets for a few days and felt a lot better for it and more able to cope. I know this may not be possible with two small boys, or not even what you want to do with your husband - but maybe a facial or just a small break. I have found the Queensland cancer council relaxation technique cd helpful at the 2am-3am anxiety attacks/insomnia episodes - it all sounds a bit trite I know, and probably doesnt help much at all right now, but worth a try. I am sure you little boy still had a great Birthday - no matter what. I feel so bad for posting a really trivial blog right now, about stuff that doesnt really matter in the long run. Nicole
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Hi Jill I had sleeping pills prescribed last year but took one and like you realised it knocked me around a bit. My dentist (whom I had to go see because I ground my teeth in my sleep so badly that I chipped a tooth) recommended Valerian which can be found in the supermarket health aisle. Its a herbal relaxant. That worked for awhile. I am now taking a cup of tea before bed. Its a tea called "Sleepy time tea" and can also be found in the health aisle. I dont get many hours of sleep but I get at least 5-6 solid hours of dreamless sleep. Its allowed me to gain back some semblance of sanity. :) Take care of yourself....easier said than done but really vital to surviving the experience. Things got so hectic late last year that my treat to myself was a simple 15 minutes midmorning to have a coffee uninterrupted (even by my own thoughts). I'd take a cuppa into the garden and maybe a magazine and for that 15-20 minutes I had my bubble of peace. My thoughts and best wishes are with you. Sangeeta
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Thanks Sangeeta, Your suggestions are helpful and I will give it a try. How are you and your girls? Jill.
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Nicole, I don't think for a minute that your blog is trivial, so stop right there on that one, no need to apologize/feel bad, I didn't mean that at all. Each time any of us post something on this site it is because it is REAL to us at that time, there is no 'rating' on whose 'issue' is more important than another's issue. Each issue is important on it's own merits. Each issue is REAL to the person who is experiencing it. NEVER FORGET THAT. I see this site and the postings on it as an opportunity to share/offload/learn and 'manage' (rather than cope with)the many challenges/experiences we each face when cancer invades the body and/or life (as in the carer and family) of someone. Once all the 'legal/paperwork' necessary stuff is out of the way, then we will be taking a short 'get-away', right now, I can't relax till that is done. Things went downhill so quickly with Greg the last time, basically 5 days, that I can't take the chance to take a break first and then do all that. It has to be the other way. Cuddle your precious daughter, take strength from her smiles and laughter and all the 'chatting' she is catching up on!! Jill xx
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Hi I joined this site today, feeling down and confused and after having just read your story or a part thereoff I must confess that I just wanted to say how my thoughts for you and your husband and children, makes my being advised this week that i had a large growth in my bladder, well seem not so bad. I wonder if I will return to this site. Robert
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Hi Jill Nice to hear I was able to make a difference. I too have trouble sleeping. I actually dread going to bed at night cause I know I will wake up only a short time later and go on to have a really restless night. I have yet to find a solution to this problem so don't really have any good advice. I keep a book beside my bed for the really bad nights and have lately started listening to radio talkback. I was hoping that would bore me to sleep and it actually worked a couple of times :>) It does sound like a good idea for you to get some 'me time'. Pamper yourself a bit ....my daughter took me recently to get a manicure and has promised me a pedicure soon as well. It felt good and I have vowed to do it more often. Take care, Willow. xo
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Hi Robert, Thank you for your thoughts for our family, they are appreciated. Please, Please, Please don't think that my situation is more important than your own diagnosis. Your feelings of confusion, sadness, fear, feeling low, are all perfectly normal given your diagnosis. Your world as you knew it has been turned upside down. Those feelings are REAL, for the sake of you and especially your family, I truly hope that you will return to this site and contribute and start to FEEL the empathy and understanding and caring that all who contribute here have. You will need someone that you can share your feelings of frustration, anger, fear and anxiety with, and sometimes it is harder to share those with friends and family because we don't want to 'burden' them. People on this site do not judge, they understand the EXTREME range of emotions that come with a cancer diagnosis, they can offer suggestions on how they handled certain issues but more importantly, I found that by sharing here, it took away the isolation that I was feeling. Whilst people's cancer may be different to your own, the emotions experienced are a common thread. Please, please use this site, think of your precious daughters' and understand that this site will help you by providing an opportunity to 'unload' your worries without loading up your daughters/family. Kind regards, Mrs Elton
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Hi Jill Its now 5 weeks since hubby passed away and still it all seems surreal. The girls and I are coping best we can but sometimes I think that because November and early December was so intense that we are still recovering from that. This time last year hubby was healthy (or so we thought) and we had no clue what was to come. My younger one Reva who is 3 has had lots of questions and yesterday she became really upset when she realised dad will not be joining us on future family holidays. I think it will be awhile before the permanence of death makes sense to her. I went back to work last week. I guess we'll find our new normal eventually. Sangeeta
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hhi Jill Can relate to your heading. 🙂 IF we could just turn back time? Julie
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Hi Your words are an inspriation to us all and I thank you for that, although as individuals be it a paitent or a family member, perhaps a friend we are all suffers defined by a deep sense of uncertainty that undermines our very existance, I will not dwell on negatives but take heart in real people out there, such as yourself that take the time to share a thought, for that I again thank you. If any words that I can offer helps remove any feeling of isolation be it spoken now or in the future be of comfort to you or any other then my presence on this site is justified, so take care.
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Hi Robert You are important - what you are going through is your own special journey. Your fears, concerns, stresses and anxieties are real and everyone here is and will be there for you. Please keep blogging - I read about your struggles over the years and mine don't seem nearly as bad. You are a very strong person. Take care and good luck this week with the doctors visits. Willow
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Hi Julie, I read your reply and immediately got the image of Cher on the navy ship belting out her song!!! Not even sure if it was that title but that was the image I got. It put a smile on my face!! Thanks!! Jill.
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