I read something this morning that helped. I think it was somewhere in the cancer council booklets. It went along the lines of Don't think about the life you have lived, think about the life you are yet to live. What a great thought. Back to work again today and have to say was treated a little bit like a leper to start with. Can't blame the other teachers, it must be quite difficult for them. The uncertainty of what to say or ask just in case they say something that might offend. After what I would call and interesting start to the day, watching the puzzled faces and having a few nervous conversations, I felt that it was time for me to do something. A quick email later saying that it was ok to talk to me about and that this was important for them and for me, and people then started to act more naturally around me. I was also asked the same thing a number of times. Have to say though that there was one teacher who responded quite abruptly with "we were told not to say anything about it!" This didn't surprise me with this one teacher and my response was simply "you were told not to smother with sympathy and that I wanted to keep things as normal" She then walked off in a huff. Oh well, her problem. She'll talk/ask when she's ready to do so. Other than that, I managed to sit down and have a go at getting my head around a uni essay due next week. Only managed about 200 words and then stopped. All in all though, this 200 words was a mammoth achievement all things considered. Am planning to sit down with some nice wine and some good music tonight and have another go at it. I think the hardest thing so far is me needing to be strong for everyone around me. I need to be the comforter for my wife and help her through what she is going through. I also need to be the one who breaks the ice at work and explain to my colleagues about things (yes it's pancreatic cancer, yes it's stage 4, there are no signs/symptoms which is why its picked up late,etc) While I don't have an issue with doing these things, I do get a bit worried that maybe I am doing it at the expense of me. Am I trying to be too practical about things? Haven't got the answer to that one yet. You never know, it could well turn out to be that it's just me being me and this is how I deal with things generally. (might make an interesting case study for a shrink one day...) All in all, day 4 went pretty well. I was little saddened at one stage while I was working with a class, but quickly thought about that quote above (made the world of difference). The bucket list got another three things on it today and am determined to do all of them. The weekend tomorrow. Friends around for a pre-christmas feed and drinks. It's a joint cooking effort by myself and my wife. She's doing various pasta and doing a load of different gourmet pizzas. Should be a good night. Take care. Am now off to enjoy my weekend, will post again on Monday when I find out a little more information about getting into the trial program. take care Tim while there is even the slightest chance, there is a chance. While there is a chance, there is always hope.
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