Starting to break

[Phona]

I was diagnosed with breast cancer September last year. I have been so strong for everyone around me even down to hiding side affects of chemo so they would not worry. BUT now I have had enough and I feel for the first time I dont want to be strong and I need to break. I have never asked why but now I do. Why am I the only one in our family history to get cancer, why out of everyone I grew up with does it have to be me, why is there a chance that I am the one that could become just a smell or memory for my children. My husband lost his mum to breast cancer, so I have felt that I can not show me being weak and then 6 weeks ago his dad was diagnosed with brain, liver and lung cancer and after four weeks he was gone. My husband has said heavy heartedly that he can not be my rock with everything that is going on but who is if he is not. Everyone around me has no idea of what goes through my head and how scared and tired of it all I am. I have hidden it for so long that now I dont know how to tell or show them.

[Sailor]

Hi Phona I am surprised that you have lasted as long as this without having those feelings - we have cancer, we are receiving toxic amounts of chemicals to kills those cancer cells without killing too many of our good cells. We receive high doses of radiation to do the same. We have bits of use that help define who we are cut off us. So why do we feel the need that we have to be the rock and we have to be strong? It is OK to feel down. I can remember in a talk given at the Cancer Council some time ago a person warning us about getting trapped in the prison of the positive. What to do - use the Cancer Helpline 13 11 20, it is a free called and you will be talking to some very caring and experienced people. They can put you in touch with a lot of support. The other thing is talk to your GP about seeing a psychologist on Medicare. There are a lot of us on this site who have had a few sessions with a psychologist and the response has been pretty universal - it was helpful and why did I wait so long to do it. Certainly that was my experience - I told one of my counsellors that I had forgotten how to cry for myself. With all that happens to us it is not surprising that we need help. Take care Sailor I find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving: To reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it, -- but we must sail, and not drift, nor lie at anchor. Oliver Wendell Holmes, The autocrat at the Breakfast Table

[harker]

Get a small team around you who are going to be there for you. Start with a counsellor and a friend. They can listen to you as you say whatever you want to say about how it is. With everyone else you might just have to say 'No' now and again and see how they react.