Stuck

[Loraleeb]

I've been through cancer treatment and have come out the other side. I've made some vast changes in the way I live my life, but there's one area where I remain stuck and I don't know how to get unstuck without hurting anybody. I fear if I remain stuck, I will be the one I hurt most. Since going through treatment, my partner and I have grown apart. Actually, more accurately, I have grown and he remains where he has always been since I met him 12 years ago. When we first got together, it was all rushed and I didn't really have a chance to get to know him that well. We fought like crazy in the beginning, even separated, but then rather stupidly I decided to suppress all my negative feelings towards him in order for our relationship to carry on. We then had three boys together, and I have one from my prior marriage. Then I got cancer, and I realised how unhappy I am and I don't know what to do to help myself without hurting my children. They are 3, 4, 6 and 15. At the moment I just go on as if I am a single lady, but it really bothers me inside. He irritates me to no end - sometimes I feel like even throwing something at him! He holds all the purse strings - is rather well off - and I don't agree with his choices in how he spends. he won't even marry me because he's frightened of me getting any of his money should we split. I'm trapped and feel hopeless, and I know this is a very bad thing for my health. Anybody else out there going through something similar? Any suggestions? I'm dying inside and it doesn't have to be that way. I just don't want to hurt my children. LLx

[AmandaC]

I have responded to you in a personal message, it just got so long and indepth I felt it was easier to PM you.

[Jo_Hilder]

Dear Loraleeb, What a shocking situation you are in. I really empathise with you. I am six years out from having cancer, and the whole event wrecked my marriage and my husbands life. We have four children, and had been married 20 years. We are separated now after a long and painful break up, I have lost a lot, but I have a lot of things I didnt have BC (before cancer). I hated my job before, I was living for everyone else. Now I am doing what I love (helping people who have had cancer) and I love it. I have my health, and responsibility for it. I no know I have no one else who will look after me, so I look after me. I am healthier now even with my post-treatment side effects than I was for the 34 years before I had cancer. I am no longer subject to others failures and weaknesses. I am in control of my own life, yay! This journey we have come through having cancer teaches us so much about ourselves. I have a feeling Loraleeb that you already know you deserve better than the life you are subject to right now. I also have a feeling you know in your heart how you'd like this life to look and be in the future. You are one tough cookie girlfriend - you proved that already. Look what you have been through! Don't let this set of circumstances make you a victim, the way cancer could have made you a victim. No way! You are better than that. I don't know what happiness means for you my dear, but I know for sure you are better than your circumtances would have you believe right now. You deserve happiness and joy in your life. I recommend a big dose of being thankful for the gifts you have (your children, how wonderful!) and finding a path to forgive those who have hurt you and let you down. No one really seeks to do wrong to others - we all usually just do the best we can do with what we have to work with. If you had to start again right now, you have everything you need to be truly happy. Money wont make you happy, no one else can make us happy. Our happiness is our own responsibility. You're in the drivers seat. You have had CANCER for crying out loud! What better reason do you have to live for today, to live the best life you can? You have every reason now to never have to settle for less than the best you can give yourself ever ever again. You are worth it, and you are worthy of it. Your intuition is telling you why you got sick before...are you going to allow that to happen again? Who will you blame if it happens again? Will you kick yourself because you didnt go after that dream? I hope not, I hope not! Please be encouraged, that what could have been your downfall has made you stronger than you think. If you take away all the expectations perhaps you have that others will change, you are left with what you need to do next. I mean that you can wait around for the rest of your life waiting for others to change...it probably won't happen. But YOU can change. You are only becoming what you are becoming right now. Praying for you Loraleeb, hope you find what you are looking for. Blessings, Jo :0)

[Loraleeb]

Oh wow, I missed your comment for some reason Jo - sorry! You are absolutely right. When I meditate and it guides me to envision myself where and how I see myself in the future - I feel strength and happiness in the belief that I will be on my own, supporting myself, doing what I love best (writing and connecting). I won't feel guilty, I will feel empowered and strong. That's what gets me through. I know what I really want to do, but I don't want to cut my nose off in spite myself. I want to do it when it is the best time for ME physically and emotionally. I want it to be to my timing and reasons. If I had my way, my book would sell thousands and I would live in Brighton (city by the sea) and indulge in art and people. What could be better? A huge part of my recovery is about giving something back and feeling like part of my community. Having problems bigger than myself to focus on. My whole family has been suffering from Swine Flu. I was so worried about my partner that I called the doctor during the weekend to arrange antibiotics for his chest infection. I so focused on getting him better, I forgot to think about myself! Two days later I'm now on antibiotics twice the strength of his because I waited so long. I was sooooo angry with myself for doing that. I'm trying so hard to break free of those chains that hold me back from loving me. i don't want to be nice and conform anymore! I want to shout and shake my fist and tell people what I really think when they walk all over me. No more - choose another girl to do your dirty work. Then I think, why can't I be as nice to him as I am to fellow cancer survivors? Why don't I have as much empathy for his problems as I do for ours? I've been chatting with Bernie Sigel, author of 'Love, Medicine and Miracles, and he says I think to much. I need to concentrate more on what I FEEL. Not easy for a control freak - lol! I really appreciate your energy and reassurance that I am heading in the right direction. It's also refreshing to hear from somebody who was once in a very similar circumstance to me. No doubt you know only to well that feeling of hopelessness. Thank you Jo! LLx