I had two items of news from my oncologist yesterday and neither of them were good.
My treatment regime for multiple myeloma doesn't seem to be doing anything as the protein reading is still rising. So we'll give it one more three week course and in the meantime he'll investigate another option. I have stem cells stored away for moments like these.
The other piece of news is that my kidney disease, caused by the myeloma protein, is reaching a point where dialysis is clearly going to be necessary. That's been looming for a while but, well, here it comes right now. Once I start, I'll just keep dialysing as long as I live. It sounds like I'm going to become part machine.
I remember struggling to find a space within which I could deal with being diagnosed with cancer when that occurred three and a half years ago. Right now, I'm not struggling with this news in the same way. There's not the same angst that the first diagnosis caused.
This experience is very different. I am calmer. I allow myself to cry if I feel like it. I can talk to my wife about it and I haven't hid in the bedroom for two weeks.
I can sit down and write about it like this because this really is me. I'm not trying to be anything other than what I know I am right now. So I haven't found it all that hard to focus.
OK. I'm sick. I already knew that. Take a deep breath and don't hurry.
H
