The daily struggle

[Mrs_Elton]

I feel like I am drowning. I can barely take a breath before I am pushed under the water again. All my energy, physical and emotional, goes to try and meet the needs of our precious sons. There is only a little left for hubby and me. I am withdrawing again and even though I need them the most, friends don't reach out to me and I don't have the courage to reach out to them in fear of them letting me down again.

[kymg]

Mrs Elton, Mrs Elton, Mrs Elton (said with an increasingly despairing tone) I cannot for a minute possibly undestand what you are going through. My situation is different however we do have something in common. All your energy will be spent maintaining the new 'normal' in your household. You do not need to spend it trying to reach out to your friends for fear of letting them down. If they are not there to support you and your family, then they are letting you down. If you and Rob need time together ask your friends to take the children for half a day or a night for some much needed R & R (both for a change of scenery for the kids and for some 'up close and personel' time with your husband). It might be the time (if you can) to do something that you don't normally do. But please please please don't feel that you are letting anybody down. And remember to smile and find humour in strange things - works for me. Stay positive and people will want to be around you. Cheers Kym

[Mrs_Elton]

Hi Kym, Therein lies the problem, I don't think people want to be around me because right now, I don't find smiling very easy. Friends have already let me down, and continue to do so. That is why I can't reach out to them. I don't have the emotional strength to cope with more disappointment. I don't want to be hurt by them again. So, the circle continues, I feel sad/lonely/hurt etc etc, I withdraw, people back right off. Just when I need them the most. I haven't always been like this, and this is the biggest problem.... communication between hubby (Greg, not Rob - think you got me confused with Jo!!!!, no drama) and me is at an all time low. He has cancer in his body, our boys and I have it in our lives. Our family holiday was a total disaster. Hubby barely connected with us the whole time. He didn't swim with the boys at all, not that they needed him in the pool from a safety aspect, but they definitely needed him in the pool from a fun/bonding/holiday aspect! Some R & R with him right now is a scary thought (which I truly hate to admit and am extremely sad about) simply because he is so unpredictable, the mood swings are intense, I don't mean I am scared he will become physically abusive - that is not it at all. I just mean often even the simple conversations can turn ugly. I am so concerned about his emotional well-being (not to mention mine!!) as he doesn't talk to ANYONE about how he is feeling/coping etc etc. Really admire all you guys out there who are brave enough to put finger to keyboard and share with the rest of us!! Also really appreciate the feedback and caring that I receive from everyone here. It really does help.

[Versaillon]

Hey Jill! You and I must be living the same lives, I swear. Have had the worst week. Ever. Lost a 'friend' this week because she was more concerned about her latest relationship crisis. Seems I'm not a good enough friend right now because I questioned her instead of just caring (again!) and I am too busy playing the sympathy card because my husband has cancer. WTF? I ended up telling her to get lost and it's now left me feeling quite hurt and angry. And of course, I've now withdrawn and just crawled into myself. Just like you, I think I'm emotionally on empty. And don't really want to talk to people in case they think I'm a whinger - been in a decent amount of pain this week because of stress just to cap it off. Cancer Land sucks this week.

[kymg]

Hi Mrs Elton, Sorry I got you confused. Please as difficult as it is to do you need to keep positive. I know smiling can be difficult. Your husband is feeling pretty ordinary too say the least and a smile from you or the children can make all the difference - especially at the most unexpected time. I will be the first to admit that things are strained where I live too and I am being blamed for dragging the family down. Hell one of my wifes 'friends' said that me getting cancer was karma. Didn't make me feel good to hear that but, well, she might get hit by a bus mightn't she. (No I am not a bus driver) Now that would be karma. But, do you know what if I told someone else that like I am telling you now, then they would be horrified. Frankly I don't give a you know what about what that woman thinks I just get on with things - dems are people you can do without. Look I really don't know all the answers. I guess you have done the counselling thing. Some blokes find it harder than others. Maybe a directive from your specialist might be the go. Everyone that I work with is amazed that I have been so open about what is happening to me. Maybe that is helping me a bit. It may be an avenue that you could suggest. I don't know your husbands situation but sometimes being out there may help. Not a whinge mind you but more of a 'look I'm crook and still able to do things' type attitude. My heart does go out to you and your family. Remember there is plenty of help - come here to vent your spleen or the Cancer Council for professional help. Kym

[claire-bear]

Mrs Elton it is funny how you describe yourself as drowning, because it is exactly how I feel. My husband has been fighting this dreaded disease for 3 years now, and has really done so much better than expected. I always feel like I am his life saver, holding him above the water, which leaves no energy to save me. At the moment I am holding him, our 4 children and lastly myself, afloat. I am sure we are not the only ones that feel like this, it just feels like it at the time. Claire-bear

[jodielee12]

Hi Jill Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you (& your family). years ago a special friend gave me the following verse while i was going through a hard time with my daughter. this verse has always been stuck to my fridge and i see it every day. I carried this verse with me while in Perth going through my radiation and its amazing how many times i looked at it and the phone would ring or i would get a text message from friends to show support. cheers Linda HOLD ON when troubles assail you HOLD ON when pressures surround you, HOLD ON When skies turn to gray and you can't find your way, When the outlook seems darkest, HOLD ON Whenever you're lonely, HOLD ON Whenever you're weary, HOLD ON For friends are near you To guide and cheer you When you reach for their hands THEY WILL HOLD ON.

[Mrs_Elton]

Hi Claire-bear Thanks for your reply. It is helpful to know that other people can relate and feel similar. I hope that you have friends/family that can 'throw you a life-ring' every now and again and give you (and your family) some relief from the weight of this whole cancer experience. Jill.

[Mrs_Elton]

Hi Jo, Friends can make us or break us some weeks! I have struggled this last week in particular and consequently 'shut down' with most of the school mum friends I have. Just couldn't do the 'put on a happy face - everything is fine' act. One friend in particular that I expected to give me support, just wasn't there for me. I felt very let down and actually started to grieve for the friendship that we once had. I of course, was beating myself up about that as well and telling myself I should have made more of an effort. Luckily for me, she 'came through' for me today, asked me how I was, invited me for coffee and then listened to me unload for the next 4 1/2 hours!!! I feel so much better now that I have 'resolved' that issue. Now...... if I can just do the same with all my other 'issues'!!! Hope this week is a better one for you. Jill.

[Mrs_Elton]

Thanks Linda, I appreciate the gift of your verse.