The end & the new beginning

[Melanie]

At 3.18pm yesterday on the 31st January 2014, my dear sweet gorgeous husband passed on. The only relief is that by him passing, that feckin tumour lost its blood supply too.... so I am very happy about that. ************ I am going to blog today about death, if you are reading this but not in the right headspace to deal with the death part, please stop reading now. I know 1 yr ago, I couldn't read about what was going to happened to Ben, it was just to heartbreaking********** Ben requested many months ago (and also confirmed recently) that he would like to die at home, as long as the girls were not disturbed. So on Thursday night it became apparent that the end was getting nearer. I called his parents to come over & advised them they were more than welcome to sleep here. He had what sounded like pneumonia and was coughing & choaking, his lungs were giving up. He was given more morphine by the amazing silverchain nurse, and discussed that tomorrow his pain pump would be increased substantially. We sat, talked, watched, cuddled & kissed him all night until about 1am. His dad went home to sleep, & his mum stay here. He slept peacefully (and I managed a couple of hours sleep) until he started to get restless again. I managed this with clonazpam until the silverchain day nurse arrived at 11 to increase the pump. The family came back together to his bedside vigil, I pointed out that his breathing was now all abdomen as his swallow & gag reflexes had gone, and his hands were very very cold. We knew it wasn't long. His bestfriend called me, and I told him, if he wanted to come, the time would be now. He arrived just after lunch. Ben struggled, and had laboured breathe for hours, until 3pm came. It was then he started to change his breathing, he was like a mechanical pump- in and out in and out- all timed perfectly, had you closed your eyes you would have thought it was mechanical. Then in and out and a little hicc, every couple of minutes, then that little hicc increased and increased and increased. I layed across his chest (which is were I always landed when upset) playing with the hair on his chest, and holding his hand till the end. He took his last breath, and I felt a wave of energy wash over me. Almost like his spirit kissed me on the way up. I sat with him for hours, I washed him, I kissed him, I cuddled him. The girls came & went for the entire time, they kissed him and I talked about how he looked as he started to change colour. She then stood up, and demanded we take down all her & her sisters drawings & paintings that were stuck up for him and demanded that they must go with him, as they were his treasures. Even when the funeral directors came, I watched them wrap him up and place him on the trolley. By this time friends & family had all arrived to say goodbye, and my dearest husband, my best friend, my soul mate was pushed through the alley of people including his two daughters. The girls called out as the shut the door, "Bye bye daddy, Bye Bye" I love Ben to the moon & back. I'm am so devasted to have lost my soul mate. I know in time I will be ok. I'm kinda ok now. But shit..Robbed of the most important person in our house.