After some 21 months after her operation for her GBM grade 4 brain tumor Lorraine died on the 1 October 5.43 pm 2012. She had multiple seizures some 8 weeks ago. Hospital for a week and new medicine. She has lost most of her mobility on her right side. Full time nursing wheelchairs, eating and toileting Two weeks before her death she had extreme pain in her bowels/stomach area. Hospital again. Back home after a week now with morphine with increasing levels for pain management She is sleeps/unconscious most of the time The following is extract of a text of a message intended to a soul travelling the same path as us... Lorraine is so close I have been sitting and waiting. Waiting with the dread of when she dies, I walk out of the bedroom when I return looking with anxiety whether she has died. She has been without food and water for 6 Days(?) and the days roll into each other I loose concept of time. She had an extreme pain last night, I got freaked out gave morphine booster she settled after 20-30 minutes, meantime frantically ring for advice/ help. I am scared - her constant "sleep" of 2 weeks since the hospital has been challenged.... next time I face where you are and face the pits of blackness. My anxiety levels are shot. I am so tied sick of the constant grief that engulfs me. her breathing yet changes again f_ck... She died 2 days later semi unconscious/asleep (her consciousness - I do not know I lost communication with her so long ago - her tumor fixed that). This was supposed to be a 'good death' - it was crap I hated it her surviving in this stupor state. Euthanasia is kinder for her (or is it kinder me and both of us?) we had our dog euthanasia last year after he became paralysis-ed from the neck down - stayed for his death - that was harrowing too. So I have no answer there is guilt on both sides But we do prolong our deaths with medicanes. This is not natural and the prolonged makes it more so. And now some 2 weeks on the connect between there and now her physical presence - gone there is no 'psychic" feeling just some patches of memories but more so her death a day or so after the above She wrote what she wanted for her funeral well over a year ago included the Goons "walking back home for Xmass:.... so hard to find how to use it in an eulogy - their irreverent BBC English humor of the 50s. and Beethoven's 9th the Ode to Joy - it now constantly reverberates in my head Edith Piaf & another. I was travelling OK during parts of last week and went back to work 2 days after funeral (got to go to her sister in NZ with part of Lorraine's ashes sister is sick too with just recurred non-Hodgkin lymphoma & 4 weeks in hospital with extreme mouth ulcers & then hospital infection) An issue with work - grief has swung back with a vengeance 3 days recapture of last 21 months - times before Lorraine's son's death, the grief of mime but more so the grief of Lorraine's... that black 2nd year, she a darkened shrunkened spirit in somehow not filling her shell. A close work mate committed suicide while I was nursing Lorraine, he was supposed to look after me as I traveled my path, bastard.... I miss him.
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