Well, I went to see my surgeon today as a matter of routine where I pointed out to him a tiny little lump in my armpit next to the scar from the last recurrence he removed. I was expecting him to say that it is just scar tissue. He didn't. He sent me downstairs to the imaging dept right then and there and had me scanned. They found a 6mm well defined lump and a 3mm lump. There was no blood flow to them and they weren't obviously attached to anything. A core biopsy was performed and now I wait. It could be one week or two -- depending on how busy they are. You'd think by now I'd be used to this horrible waiting game, but I'm not. My stomach is cramping and my heart is flip flopping in my chest. How can I stop my mind from wandering? Why won't cancer set me free? When can I stop feeling like death is hunting me? I went in feeling really bouncy and happy, gave him a great big hug and talked about my awesome holiday and his. I virtually skipped down to the imaging dept without any doubt in my mind that it would be nothing to worry about. As soon as I hear the words, 'core biopsy' I know it's something to really fear, and in my heart I think, 'Here we go again.' Everybody apologises to me -- not a good sign -- and I drive home dead inside. Numb. When I got home, my other half asked how it went, and I actually felt myself smile because it didn't feel real; I felt like I was acting out a scene in a play and I was stumbling on my lines so I smile to ease the embarrassment. This isn't happening again, surely. I love my surgeon so much, I really do... but not fucking enough to go through this again -- thank you very much! (No offense, Charles). My ending is going to be happy, remember God?! That was the deal. So what's this all about? Just keeping me on my toes? Tick tock... blink... echoes... tick tock... When will this ever end? I have plans y'know! LL
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