Well, I went to see my surgeon today as a matter of routine where I pointed out to him a tiny little lump in my armpit next to the scar from the last recurrence he removed. I was expecting him to say that it is just scar tissue. He didn't. He sent me downstairs to the imaging dept right then and there and had me scanned. They found a 6mm well defined lump and a 3mm lump. There was no blood flow to them and they weren't obviously attached to anything. A core biopsy was performed and now I wait. It could be one week or two -- depending on how busy they are. You'd think by now I'd be used to this horrible waiting game, but I'm not. My stomach is cramping and my heart is flip flopping in my chest. How can I stop my mind from wandering? Why won't cancer set me free? When can I stop feeling like death is hunting me? I went in feeling really bouncy and happy, gave him a great big hug and talked about my awesome holiday and his. I virtually skipped down to the imaging dept without any doubt in my mind that it would be nothing to worry about. As soon as I hear the words, 'core biopsy' I know it's something to really fear, and in my heart I think, 'Here we go again.' Everybody apologises to me -- not a good sign -- and I drive home dead inside. Numb. When I got home, my other half asked how it went, and I actually felt myself smile because it didn't feel real; I felt like I was acting out a scene in a play and I was stumbling on my lines so I smile to ease the embarrassment. This isn't happening again, surely. I love my surgeon so much, I really do... but not fucking enough to go through this again -- thank you very much! (No offense, Charles). My ending is going to be happy, remember God?! That was the deal. So what's this all about? Just keeping me on my toes? Tick tock... blink... echoes... tick tock... When will this ever end? I have plans y'know! LL
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Contributor
Loralee, I just read your blog how scarey for you, its our worst nightmare as survivors. It still may be nothing right? When I was pregnant with No2 I lost my voice for 5 months, given I had cancer in my first pregnancy I did not feel confident. I was watched closely through the pregnancy, then sent ot and ENT to look down my throat before doing an ultrasound. It turns out I had thickening of the vocal chords, crazy but I was so estatic its really not a nice thing other but I thought thank god its not cancer. It really knocked the wind out of my sails. Not sure if your interested but I do reiki and am level 2 so I can infact with your permission do reiki long distance if you would like... just let me know if your interested. I am sending you lots love and good wishes, I have everything crossed for you. Beside you still have not been to oz to meet me you have way to much to do to be sick.
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Super Contributor
I just want to send you some hugs while you are on your waiting game. Its the worst feeling in the world and i am sure we can all relate to that!! @ Amanda yayyy re you doing reiki ... i am level 1 and just do it on family and friends mainly. Its the most amazing thing isnt it??
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Regular Contributor
Loralee lots of hugs from me too. I have a colonoscopy coming up and even though I had clear scans a week ago, I am still starting to develop the nerves a bit. Amanda - how do you do reiki long distance. I'm intrigued. It's one of the avenues that I am hoping - once I find the time - to pursue for the neuropathy in my feet. Samex
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Contributor
Jules, I love Reiki, it was especially helpful when my husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer. It gave me focus and made me feel like I could do something for him, I did it on him almost every day leading up to surgery it was a bit hard during chemo though. With Reki 1 you cna do it on yourself also, not sure if you do that. I love giving myself reiki all the time, if I am having trouble sleeping it helps relax me and get me off to sleep. love and light
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Contributor
Hey Samex, Distance Reiki is a method you cna use when you have done Reiki 2, its used alot in the reiki community to band together and send lots of energy from all available to help heal the person (with the other persons consent though). I used when my husband was having his operation on the hour every hour for the 5 hours it took for the complicate operation. I also had a community of reiki healers do it for me when I was having treatment. Reiki is relaly a way of life and such a lovely gift you can give yourself, definately worth while exploring if you are interested :) love and light
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Contributor
Hey Loralee, I'm really sorry to hear about your situation and all I can say is please let it be nothing!!! and please let the waiting period go fast too! Steve
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Super Contributor
Hi Amanda, I have and do, do reiki on myself although i find its not quite as effective as someone else doing it. I just love it also and am quite convinced it can help people in many situations. That was fantastic that you were able to give your husband reiki. I had a friend visit me in hospital and give me some reiki and it was amazing the amount of heat that came from around where my tumour was. I always find it amazing that i can feel heat from someone in a problem area of theirs. Great to speak to someone else that understands!! Julie
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Occasional Contributor
HI Loralee, sorry to hear about your waiting game, it horriable. You would not believe I am going through the same thing at the moment, went to the doctors the other day,I have been having reaccourant infections in a gland in the neck, I had a ultrasound and there are three enlarged lympnodes in my jaw on the left side,they were there a few months ago but they have got bigger. I am now waiting to see a specialist, a new one a head and neck surgon, what next??? waiting waiting, I hate that fact I have a different specialist for everything, it would be so much easier if I was handled by one specialist.
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Not applicable
Hello loralee 🙂 I am new to this forum, but not to cancer! I had breast cancer in both breasts 12 years ago and am so familiar with the waiting game. It is always scary when one finds more lumps and then has to wait for the results. All I can say is I wish you all the very best of a good outcome and will be thinking of you.
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Occasional Contributor
Hi Loralee, I saw my specialist today, he is sending me to another specialist at Peter Mac, for a needle biobsy, it will be done next Tuesday or in two weeks time as we are going to QLD next week for ten days , still waiting waiting
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Hi Lizyole, look dear, this is not a waiting game. Cancer does not wait for man or beast and putting off a needle biopsy for another ten days is not wise. I know, I know, the holiday is much needed and you are looking forward to it, but IF it is cancer you have in your neck and the lymph glands around it are swollen, then it is NOT a waiting game - it is a DO IT NOW game :( Get the biopsy and then go on the holiday. If the biopsy is clear you will have a happier time, and if it isn't I think you might find the doctors will move quickly and you will have the holiday later. Please don't wait okay? best wishes Caro
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