The past two weeks have been so up and down. Just when I thought I was starting to get on top of my feelings about this whole thing, and physically feeling better, it has all come crashing down on top of me again. I just want to cry - I have accepted that I am different now, but I find it hard to cope with so many day to day things. I feel like I am never going to wake up.
I just woke up one morning and was so incredibly exhausted again - no energy, then my legs and spine started paining again, the spasms, and the inability of them to hold me up. My whole body hurt and was so stiff. I kept up my exercises as I could but had to stop the walks. How can this happen when I was making so much progress?
I was back at pilates today - it keeps me sane, and I started to realise how 'selfish' I've had to become. My day has to revolve first around my physical welbeing - my walking, exercising, trying to maintain a really healthy diet for myself and my family. Then I find that I need to work on my head - maybe thats why everything has fallen apart - because I haven't been trying to calm my mind, be thankful, journal. There seems to be so many things I have to do to keep it together, my head is aching constantly. I find myself getting angry again, when I see these adds and people on T.V. who are so grateful to organisations who have supported them through their cancer journey, people who have it so together when their diagnosis was only this year, and I just felt like I was dumped at every turn, nobody helped for so long, and here I am so long from diagnosis and things are still falling apart. What a whinger! I read so many stories here and realise I have so much to be grateful for, but I think I've held so much in this whole time, I just need to get it out.
