The past two weeks have been so up and down. Just when I thought I was starting to get on top of my feelings about this whole thing, and physically feeling better, it has all come crashing down on top of me again. I just want to cry - I have accepted that I am different now, but I find it hard to cope with so many day to day things. I feel like I am never going to wake up. I just woke up one morning and was so incredibly exhausted again - no energy, then my legs and spine started paining again, the spasms, and the inability of them to hold me up. My whole body hurt and was so stiff. I kept up my exercises as I could but had to stop the walks. How can this happen when I was making so much progress? I was back at pilates today - it keeps me sane, and I started to realise how 'selfish' I've had to become. My day has to revolve first around my physical welbeing - my walking, exercising, trying to maintain a really healthy diet for myself and my family. Then I find that I need to work on my head - maybe thats why everything has fallen apart - because I haven't been trying to calm my mind, be thankful, journal. There seems to be so many things I have to do to keep it together, my head is aching constantly. I find myself getting angry again, when I see these adds and people on T.V. who are so grateful to organisations who have supported them through their cancer journey, people who have it so together when their diagnosis was only this year, and I just felt like I was dumped at every turn, nobody helped for so long, and here I am so long from diagnosis and things are still falling apart. What a whinger! I read so many stories here and realise I have so much to be grateful for, but I think I've held so much in this whole time, I just need to get it out.
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hi betsy, I can so relate to some of the things you say..Even though i have a different type of cancer my experience with the whole thing has really changed my perspective on the people in my life. 2 years ago i was diagnosed with advanced oesophageal C with no hope of an operation or cure just the usual chemoradiotherapy...fortunatley for two years i had a great quality of life and gee i starting telling myself"im bloody cured,Im that guy they are going to talk about that beat the odds of 1 million people"....but still somewhere in my mind i just know that what the doctors tell me and the information i read has some accuracy to it and unfortunatley the fact is i was never told i would be cured and it was just pallative in nature..I too see the people on tv and i read the stories in the paper about how people have come through the whole cancer journey and life is great and everybody is smiling.... Dont get me wrong,anyone that can beat any type of cancer through early detection and prevention no matter what type of cancer is an awsome thing!:) Recently i have had recurrence in my oeasophagous and also tumour removed from my small intestine..in and out of hospital that many times now i have lost count..doctor tells me there is nothing they can do but try chemo in the hope they can hold it bay or at least alleviate the symptoms..well heavy stuff but what can i do..Im tired...im 37 feeling like im in the body of an 80 year old at the moment but hopefully that will change maybe for a short while or maybe for a long while..I really have come to terms with it and just let one moment in life move onto the next moment.. Most my friends have all but dissapeared and even my family is no longer close to me...I imagine sometimes it might be because they think im a whinger and "why doesnt he just get over it?" sometimes its really hard just to "get over it"..i smile,i tell everyone im in good spirits,"yes yes i know ALLLLLL about the placebo affect" i tell them...Doesnt help me when i feel like shit physically and cant eat my damn dinner now does it and i suppose thats where a little bit of anger and feeling alone comes from... I know i have a lot to be grateful for,when i see kids going through simliar things it really churns my heart because at least i have had a chance in life to make the mistakes i have made and experience the things that i have done so i never feel sorry for myself. Sorry to rant ond rave on and to be honest i hope what i have written makes sense lol(i seem to say some funny things nowadays)but like you say sometimes things just need to get out..I dont know your personal situation with your treatments,whether you are in remission or cured or family life betsy but i sure do hope that you can start to feel better and ultimatley make some sense of it all...thats all any of us can try to do :) dan
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Hi Betsy We are all walking a difficult road and the need to vent comes to all of us at various times to various degrees. Keeping it locked in is not helpful and if you can't/don't want to vent to family/friends, these support groups are the best place to do so, as most of us feel/have felt the same way. It also takes a lot of time and emotion to accept that this is the new 'normal' - not an easy task. Hopefully as many as possible will improve, but many don't. Kind thoughts of empathy and warm (((hugs))) of comfort and support, Pamela 🙂
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Occasional Contributor
Hi Daniel and Pamela Thanks for your encouraging words. I have to say Daniel, I just cried when I read your reply - knowing others feel the same or understand these stupid feelings, but also it brought home to me again - how lucky I really am. My circumstances are nothing to complain about and as you say there is always somebody who is worse off than yourself. I guess I just needed an indulgent moment to get it all out so that I could regain my determination to be as healthy and fit and to remember that I will never be that person I was before and that I don't really want to be - I think I am more comfortable with being able to admit I'm not super woman, I can't do it all. I am indeed grateful that for me it was breast cancer - the treatments are so defined and multi-layered, and whilst I notice the elephant in the room every time I see the surgeon, the Oncologist, the Radiation Oncologist, the G.P. ( sometimes I wonder if I have left anyone out), I consider myself 'cured'- after all they cut it out, poisoned me and then burned me - I Know I shouldn't sound so ungrateful and I'm not really. As a friend of mind kindly pointed out - her husband passed earlier this year after a long battle with cancer - Breast Cancer patients are lucky. But I am sorry I am starting to rant again. Dan I do understand how you are feeling - like an 80 year old - I have been there myself, but I am happy to say that apart from my little setback I feel 46 again. I hope for you that you too are feeling 37 again sooner rather than later, and when you are there that you have some FUN. I have been giving this some thought and I think it is important to do something that just makes you smile or laugh really hard every day. With Thanks to you both for helping me regain some balance Betsy
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Having cancer is a big deal .It takes time to adjust to physical changes after treatment and to deal emotionally . Most find online support groups helpful as others don't want to know too many details and don't know how to deal with you saying how you feel . Even when you reach a stage of acceptance and adjustment there can be down days .
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