I have been in a kind of holding pattern for six months now. First they tell me that my Mum will die in the few months, then an experimental drug proves hopeful, and now the disease has been found in another part of her body. I have moved back home to care for her and help out my Dad. Together we are struggling to maintain a huge empty house.
I feel as though have lost all my independence and sense of drive and purpose just waiting for all of this to be over.
I have always been very close to my Mum. The cancer has affected her brain and although she is no longer quite the person she once was, I still love her and experience great grief knowing that she will not know my children if i choose to have any, see me grow up and share all the experiences with me that most other people get.
But, I am so unhappy and all of the things that I want/need to do to get my happiness back (move out, take on full-time study, travel) are things that cannot be done whilst I am in this horrible waiting pattern. Me suggesting that I need to do some of these things is met with staunch disapproval. I feel so trapped and frustrated with the lack of control I have over my own life right now.
I want some happiness back or I fear this waiting period will get the better of me. I really don't feel like myself anymore.
