I could not be feeling more depleted and miserable ......why...... I am continuing at work and I sit here with nothing to do as I have been given an admin role which is demeaning in the extreme. I have been feeling increasingly out of control for some time now and don't know who to turn to......17 months ago I had a job, a life, I felt useful and in control (I was busy and stressed but I 'had a life' ) Now all of a sudden I feel like I have nothing ....first there was all the treatment and Doctors and nurses and illness and crap to deal with on a daily basis.....it was a struggle to just get through the day and stay sane and the emotional impact was huge. Now all of a sudden there is nothing ..... no 'real' job, no friends, family who don't want to discuss anything to do with how I really feel or how I am coping now, and no life. I feel completely lost, alone and kind of desperate. I have to have an operation (nothing to do with cancer) and I don't think I can face it. I also have to have a colonoscopy (cause the specialist says I am at a greater risk of developing colon cancer now I have had breast cancer) But I can't face any procedures or injections or pills or anything........
My mother is sinking much faster (dementia and in a nursing home) she is literally just shrinking before my eyes - disappearing .....until one day and I fear it will be soon she will be gone. I know I can't cope with that....I am struggling now to stay positive and happy around my father to keep his spirits up and I know that he will collapse and have a total breakdown if anything happens to mum.
My son moved out last week and I miss him terribly ...he was a nuisance and messy and lazy but he was there.....and he made me laugh. He is still around but the nights are incredibly quiet,long and lonely.
I am finding it hard to find something good about being alive ...and sometimes I just wish I wasn't......This last 17 months have taken there toll and I am exhausted. I want my old life back and the old me back......I thought I was doing ok but in reality when I am honest with myself the smiles I show the world are not real. And I am sooo sick of not being able to tell people the truth about how I feel. I remember when I was feeling like I was going to die and having to smile and tell people I was feeling ok, not too bad really, as this is what they wanted to hear, needed to hear. How bloody stupid...I feel so resentful now that I couldn't be truthful. I am feeling angry, bitter and resentful today of pretty much everything and I just have to say it.
I told my old manager that I was feeling awful and I started to cry ....he looked terribly uncomfortable and told me to make a cup of tea......and he had treatment last year for testicular cancer. But he is so well now and he doesn't talk about it. When I am at work I feel even more alone than when I am home as I just don't feel as if I fit in.
I have not written a blog for a very long time and I have not been active on the site either but I just feel so low today that I have to reach out .....even if it is just for a whinge......
What now.....how do I keep going.....? I can't shake this sense of urgency as if time is running out...... as if I am suddenly in a terrible hurry......I could write so much more but I have to get back to work before anyone realises I am not actually working.
Thank you to anyone who reads this and I hope today finds you ok.
Take care everyone,
Cancer Council NSW would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which we live and work.We would also like to pay respect to elders past and present and extend that respect to all other Aboriginal people.