am I really cured

[VLASTA]

It's been now over a month since my last chemo, my oncologist told me 'you are cured'....well I was happy for a moment or two but then started questioning in my head... Am I? How do they know there is nothing left behind? How do they know that it's not back already? ..... Nobody can hear my screams, my fear from not feeling safe anymore. Even though the therapies where awful as possible they somehow kept me busy... my body.. my mind. I used to think, when I finish with therapies I will go back to where I stopped and now what? My legs still hurt from chemo side effects, my blood count is still low so that I'm caching for breath, I put on my weight which has to go but how.... and that sadness and fear, will they ever go away????? O God I love this place where everyone understands what I'm talking about, thanks for that....

[harker]

Welcome to the remission society. You will be living here for the rest of your life. What is happening to you is not about cells in your body. It is about your identity. You said 'I used to think...I will go back to where I stopped and now what?'. No one else can answer that. They're not interested. Only you can. It is not about illness, or medication, or caring. It is now about who you are. I face the same things every day too. H

[VLASTA]

it really sucks..... when I was told I had a cancer I was scared from dying, now they tell me I'm cured and I'm scared how am I going to live with it.... you know when everyone tells you, 'just don't think about it and you'll be OK', hate it.... the hell they know thinking or not, no difference..... :(

[harker]

It sounds like you are on the right track. There are lots of good things to read and there are workshops on surviving. I benefited from a workshop that CCV ran on surviving. Gave me a real boost. H

[VLASTA]

Thanks harker, I might try a workshop if this continuous, sun and summer are usually my friends so it might help once the winter is over. How are you? Are you in remission or having therapies? Cheers Vlasta

[harker]

I am about to start medication again after more than three years of remission. I am fine, thanks. I don't think about it much, only all the time, and I am busy with things I want to do. New rounds of treatment just makes the things I choose even more important. I can't control the cancer so I am not going to waste energy on it. I am happy with life. H

[VLASTA]

Well, what I can tell you beside one more, I'm sorry you have to do it again', but I'm glad you decided to do better things then 'think about it all the time' 🙂 to tell you 'you'll be OK' would sound ridicules especially from me, what do I know, look at me, I just finished my therapies and I'm already scared that there will be more to it..... But today I don't want to spend any more time on it, I' going to do some gardening. Last night my husband took me to the beach, I was so tired from walking through the sand but felt somehow not so depressed, so I'm going to continue to exhaust myself physically....Enjoy the sun yourself.... Catch you later. Cheers Vlasta

[harker]

Thanks. The best thing in life is standing in the back garden holding a freshly laid egg and feeling the sun on my face. What else is there?

[SamR]

Hi Vlasta, It is a difficult time shortly after the treatment ends. It is a rebuilding time, take life slowly, push through a little bit, but not to the point of total exhaustion. I carried on working for the first 3.5wks of my radiotherapy (for Endo cancer), before admitting it was getting to me, then I gave in and had 4 wks off, with intermittent contact, that was 9yrs ago now. I was back at work on pretty much normal hours within a month of finishing radiotherapy, I just wanted to get back to normal. Looking back now it was the wrong decision for me at least. My body needed more time, less than a year later I went on a 6 day work trip to UK, I don't think I recovered from the jet lag for another year. I just wanted life to be "as it was", so I kept on blindly trying to be the multi-tasking person, that probably got me into the "cancer" club, in the first place. If you can, face that fact as soon as possible, life will be different, there is no going back, but you can create a new normal. Life is always changing, but usually it happens gradually or because we decide to make the change. So decide to make the change now, to do things differently and to believe this is the fresh start "post cancer" that you've been thinking about ever since the diagnosis. There are no guarantees in life, none of us know how long we are here for, everyone is in that category, cancer survivor or not... it's just that we've really stared that reality in the face. I've found clinical pilates has been really good for me, at a physio, gentle reps that can be built up. Good for emotions too! Go well, enjoy summer and the beach. Sam

[VLASTA]

Hi Sam, thanks for sharing your story with me, I'm so happy to hear some stories from someone like you, who is years 'after cancer' and who understands what I'm talking about. You know why I want to erase the horrible time but, it looks like I'll have to take it easy however hard it was. Lucky the summer is coming enjoy it too,wish you all the best. Vlasta