I was a little incorehent last night. I did get a lot of answers from the oncologist yesterday. This is what they told me. I have adenocarcinoma. The origin of the cancer is still unknown but they suspect that it is most likely a lung primary. Its also non small-cell cancer. The cancer is on both sides of the lung. The MRI I had of my brain came back clear, so I guess that's one positive thing. The cancer is at stage 4 and is not operable or curable. The best they think they can do for me is to give me treatment anyway. I had to do another series of blood tests (LDH and BHCG) whatever the hell that all means. This was to rule out that the cancer is of testicular origin which they said responds well to treatment. They say this is pretty unlikely though. The cancer is in lungs and has spread to the lymph nodes in my neck. There was also a small lump showing up in my lower back area. Something called a presacral nodule. The oncologist will meet with the radiology team to see what they think. They are sending more of my biopsy tissue off for mutation testing which will indicate whether I can have treatment with tablets rather than PIC line? chemotherapy. The mutation analysis takes about 3 weeks. More waiting. I hate it, I really do. Tomorrow night I have my engagement party. I am not holding up well at all and I have to give a bloody speech. All I have been doing all morning is crying my bloody eyes out. It really tore me up lying next to my fiance this morning watching her face while she slept. I have waited 46 years to find true happiness only to end up having the rug pulled from under me. I told her that was the worst thing about all this, that I really wanted a long future with her and suddenly now everything is in fast forward mode. I said that I just cant contemplate being separated from her in any way I also asked her how she felt about this as I can see everyone is sympathetic towards me as I have the cancer. She says that she lives in denial and tries not to think about it. I thanked her and held her and told her how much it meant to me for us to be able to discuss it. This morning I am so aware of my breathing. It may sound crazy but I started to wonder how many breaths i have left in me, that I am one closer to the end. Its a terrible feeling. I am not afraid of dying at all really as I believe whats on the other side will be good. I just hate to think about leaving what I have right now behind when I go.
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