Had my third chemo treatment last week and, by Sunday was feeling quite unwell and "down". Actually burst into tears when I couldn't eat the meal I'd prepared- even though I was hungry. For the first time since diagnosis, my partner and I then sat down and had a real heart to heart when I finally voiced all my emotions and thoughts and the anger about both getting cancer and the lack of emotional support from the medics came out. I finally told him how I was scared that "it would get me eventually" and that it was only a matter of time. I'd never had the courage to say that before, for fear of upsetting him. It was an amazing, cathartic experience. I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I wish I'd done it sooner but I was so aware of staying strong for everyone else that I would lie awake at nights thinking about the "what ifs" then say nothing about it to anyone. The major thing for me is how well I've felt since. I decided I had to stop wallowing and move on and it seems this new (genuine) positive attitude has made a difference. I am now not miserably waiting for the next bout of sickness like I would normally do and just feeling so much better. I know this may be short-lived as chemo resumes next week but I would urge anyone to voice their fears and thoughts as it really has made such a difference to me.
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I know exactly what you mean, Smiler. It is a great feeling to know that you are telling the truth/saying how it is/being honest/venting or whatever it is called. The label for that action does not matter, does it? What matters is that feeling of being in control of your own life. I remember I only started to take control of my situation after I had that same moment you did. Good on you. Write some more. H
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Smiler Our approach since we met each other (some two decades ago) has always been - lay it out as openly and realistically as possible no matter what the topic is. Since she has been diagnosed we have discussed all of the possibilities including the worst case scenario. The worst case scenario was discussed in a great detail. We have discussed also what will be our back up plan knowing well what the law re: euthanasia is. The darkest hour lasted for about a week. During this period we have expressed any feelings we felt with no reservations towards how it may be perceived by the other one. If I were in her shoes, I wouldn't, for one, accept the Whipple's procedure, and two, no chemo for me thanks. My motto is - whatever happens happens. We are in the process of evolution and we have done it for tens of thousands of years. Only in recent times we value life more than ever before. We try to preserve it at all cost by using everything we have at our disposal. Therefore the human evolution has considerably slowed down (due to drugs and medical treatments) or even stalled. Although, we may be living longer and better my personal view is that the fittest are not the only ones surviving anymore but with them many others who are not as "fit". If I am one of those (thinking out loud) so be it. It is important to appreciate life as it comes. We have only one shot at it so it is important not to stress over anything but embrace life and live it to the fullest. So, yeah, discussions are welcome, venting is useful whenever it is needed. Keeping an open mind and taking one day as we go is what we do. We have completely put aside issues like; job, money, houses, friends, relatives, who gets what and how much etc. and we care about ourselves only. The only thing we do not have enough of is life itself, therefore we treasure it, and celebrate it daily. Cheers.
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