It's so sad that I can't provide the best care for my partner. I wish I could make him happy by keeping him at home as he wishes. I say it's temporary only as it's all too much and I need time to see if there is anything I can do to organise the house so that he can come back to and be comfortable. It all happened too soon. I only went to see one of the inpatient palliative care facilities this afternoon as thinking about admitting him in to speed up the process of getting all the help that we require as instructed by our palliative care team. It seems like a strange advice and strange system. I plan to get him admitted in a few days, not this evening. I went home after leaving my partner with his brother, not sure it's considered as incontinence or he was just waiting for me to come home and help him but could no longer wait. He insisted to just sleep there and it'll be OK. I can't move him around to change the sheet or even put a dry towel underneath him. There is no way I would let him sleep on a wet bed until it dries out eventually. We ended up getting an emergency ambulance out to get him to the hospital, rang around on-call palliative care team to try get him straight to the palliative care unit instead of waiting in the emergency. The system doesn't work that way even though we have good intention to free up the ambulance asap. Hours spent and at midnight he was transferred into a palliative care unit. Lucky him, he gets a single room when in the afternoon during the visit we were told there was one bed available in a share room. I'm happy he is now in good hands but it's so painful that I can't look after him well enough on my own. I wish he can get up and walk again. I wish his remaining time with me will be pleasant and comfortable. The look in his eyes said we could manage it at home on our own. I hope he understands that I just want the best for him and I can't provide him that now. It hurts that he has to leave his home. It hurts that I don't have him home with me. I will learn to be happy being on my own as I was before I met him 12 years ago. It will take time and it will never be the same; at least for now I can wake up in the morning and he will still be here and I can go and visit him. I miss him so bad already, I should have stayed with him tonight but I'm so tired and need a rest. I'm sorry 😞
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