It starts with my pre-cancers. All fixed, feel lucky they were pre-cancers and not anything worst. Life goes on. A small op and they are behind us. Marriage struggles through this. I am not supported. Good thing I am strong. Can get through with some help from friends. More pain. Cysts on ovaries. Couple more ops. Bigger ones this time. Longer recuperation. No support from T. Even met with anger, I did this deliberately?? Kids watch all this. Friends awesome, as always. All well health wise, T blues with kids. Should I leave? Hate being in the middle. He never seems happy with them no matter what they do. Eldest becomes depressed. Doc talks of anti-depressants. Start couselling for her. seems to do the trick. Mamogram discover more pesky cysts. Thankful again that is all they are. T asks, y do I have to have so many problems? He is sick of it. Kids watch. Contemplate leaving, again. To chicken to do it. Stay. New job. T happier for little while. Meet some nice people. Loose a long time friend to Breast Cancer. Told not to bother telling people that night at friends party by T. Moon has two stars above it. Looks like a smiley face. Is she telling us she made it to heaven. Shed a quiet tear. Busted by T, annoyed with me. Wish I had the guts to leave him. Grandad still in hospital after six months. Find out he has leukemia, incurable. dies within a few days. Told why bother being upset, he probably wished himself to die, he was always over dramatic and liked attention. Thanks yet again for the support T. Less than two weeks later. Lose my best friend for life to suicide. Bipolar brought on by earlier brain injury. Drs assure us he just couldnt help it. Gutted. So gutted. Part of me is gone forever. 24 years of friendship and I have lost him. I will never be the same. Mandatory that I join the third of the three amigos at the funeral. A fight to go but nothing will stop me being there, not even T. Leave day before oz day. Girls will join me day after the funeral for a wedding. T coming day before wedding as hates family holidays. Funeral was so very hard. Cant be true. This world is not the same without you. Can I bear to open my eyes and realise Pabs is no longer here. Wake held at Pabs brothers. Spend the day with his family and my other amigo. Good memories with a new hard edge. One that cuts. Cry all night. Call T. Told to deal with it, s#*t happens. Its part of life. Mind made up. Girls and I will be moving out as soon as we get home. Last straw. This one cuts too deep. 8 years of this in various forms. Wake up girl. Nothing is going to change. Life is too short and I am here to make a difference. Time to move on. Wedding beautiful despite the 42 degree day. Gotta love Adelaide. I have lots to do as part of the wedding party, and T has a few mild tantrums. Ignore it. Fingers crossed I will only have a few more weeks of this and I will be moving out. T been complaining of feeling unwelland hernia repair seems to be taking its time healing. Sit down to try talking to T about us moving out. He is still complaining of feeling unwell and is now confessing to be in a lot of pain. I take him to dr who suggets a colonoscopy. T is so sick so I take him to emergency room. They keep him there and attempt to prep him for colonoscopy. Cant keep gunk down. So sick. They get colonoscopy done. T diagnosed with bowel cancer, on Pabs birthday. The journey you all know about. yay remission at the end of it all and obviously I stuck around. Attitude did not improve towards the kids however and in fact become much much worse so one year after diagnosis us girls left. Lots of counselling sessions and love and support has seen us girls start to improve. Find out that middle child had been seriously contemplating suicide before we left, her hair had started falling out and her body weight had dropped to 18%. Scary scary revelation. Things looking good, middle child who had a medical absence from school for whole term starts talking about going back. Yay such a huge step. T struggles, calls ten, eleven times a day. txts a lot and calls in with lame excuses. trying to be patient as things must be hard for him alone in that big house. Apart from T's troubles, us girls are settling well. Lots of laughs in our house. Dont realise how good a childs laugh is till you dont hear it for a long time. We are going to come out of this strong us girls. Pabs Place is starting to take shape. My businesses are taking off. Life is going along great after lots and lots of hard work to get us here. Hope T will be alright. i go to counselling with him to help him get through all this. Dont want to go back just want him to get well and enjoy life. Scans today suggest cancer restaging. Can I come home? I cant, just cant. feel physically sick thinking about it. Girls wont survive him again. Cant do it. Please......no more
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larn I feel for you and I understand where you are coming from. I made several unsuccessful attempts to leave my husband back in the late 70's/early 80's and it was not until my Mum died in 1980 that I finally made the scariest decision I have ever made. In 1982- I finally left. Mentally I was shot but thank God I had the wonderful support of my Dad and my Sister - they helped me regain some sanity. I assume your relationship is not a violent one, physically, but it does sound as though it is mental and emotional cruelty - also a form of domestic violence. Just ask me - been through things the 'Underbelly' writers would have salivated over!! Sorry- I have learned to add humor to my demented past - it's the only way I cope- the wounds have healed, it takes time, but they do. All I can do is wish you the best possible life with your girls and that you finally find some peace in your health and thinking. Take care xxxx
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Alana, Crap.... Bugger.... and a few other expletives. No other words for you.........I wish this wasn't happening for you.......it is and it sucks. You know you can offload here or pm me. Thinking of you and sending strength and courage through cyberspace to you. Hope you can feel a 'maxy cuddle' from one of the girls (better still, all 3). Take care of you, Jill xoxo
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Hi Alana, You always seem to be such a strong person so that I know you will come out of all of this. Your situation is very reminiscent of a great friend who about 13 years ago finally left her emotionally abusive husband. He had MS but she could no longer cope with his attitude towards her sons and herself. The boys became very violent towards her (they were about 2 and 8 at the time)and the husband blamed the kids for making him sick and often told them that, if they were being a bit noisy or uncooperative. He moved back with his parents as he wsn't able to live on his own at that stage and there were numerous recriminations etc - not from us (her friends) but from his family. She, however, knew that she had to make a go of it on her own. She has come out of this the other side. The eldest boy is a little scarred (but there was another unpleasant relationship for them to deal with as well). You must make the final decisions about your life but the harrowing time that you have endured will have made you stronger. The health of you and your girls is paramount. Take lots of hugs from us and your girls. Thinking of you, S
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Thanks everyone, I have had such a mixed response to not going back, majority of people have been supportive. Funny though that the negative comments are the ones that affect you. Wont let it get me down. Was only his Mum who seems to think he has rescued me from a life of poverty (huh, had my own place, job etc???) and a couple of his friends. Well two to be exact. Yesterday was a horrible day. Today I feel stronger. I can never go back, its not a healthy place, although I will support T as much as I can. I am strong enough for that, its just the being together part I cant do. He still is not happy with that, but then again before the suggestion of restaging he wasnt happy with it. Thanks for always being here. Hope I have helped some of you the way you have helped me. Your all amazing xxx
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Hey Alana ...If you can get your eyes on a copy of the cycle of abuse it may help you to see things clearly (it is on the internet). Not suggesting that you arent seeing things as they are. Just that i found this cycle quite amazing and found it made me look at things with very different eyes. The piece i am thinking about depicts abuse in a pie chart and breaks it down. You are a good person and a strong one ... your children one day will thank you big time, even though they really are doing it now by their laughter and happiness. Sending you big cyber hugssss. Julie xoxo
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Hi Julie, How have you been? Thanks for the heads up. Have come across the cycle while studying social work. I should know better (sheepish face). If I was to analyse myself, which I do often (always room for improvement lol), honestly I would say I need to get more self respect. For some reason I must unconsciously believe I dont deserve to be treated with the love and respect I expect my friends and loved ones to receive. I am working on it. Have myself in counselling as well as the kids and I will get there one day. 🙂 As you can imagine, another relationship is far far away for me. But eventually when it comes along I should be nicer to myself. Same goes with friendships. I find I always help even when people kick me in the teeth. I know in capital letters in my file it will say MOTHER ISSUES. lol. Sometimes it would be nice to be ignorant hahaha. My counsellor tells me sometimes I also need to be less accepting of peoples bad behaviour as I am enabling them to be that way. (another sheepish face)
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Hey there larn!! See how amazing you are ???? You can see!! 😄 You just forgot to mention a little bit about hindsight and thats what you are seeing things with. We arent born with it and we dont get it till we go through something and come out the other end!! I think we all tend to be a bit hard on ourselves. I often say to people (and should say to myself) "how would you treat someone else that is going through this problem?" Some get it and some dont but in actual fact it is true ... we just do not treat ourselves in the same way. Good for you for knowing that though. Knowledge is such a powerful tool and you will get through all of this and come out better than before. Not that better is really a great word to use ... but ... guess what??? hahah I am tired. lol Yanno, sometimes i reckon that it doesnt matter why we do things ... we just need to stop doing it and sure, sometimes it helps to know why we do it. You are gonna be ok larn ... just dont cave in to that honeymoon period and you will be ok. YOu dont have to compromise the person that you are either. I am doing ok and apparently have low iron ... which is easily fixed ... just have to get this arm fixed and away we go. Have been trying to treat my day as if i am working. Oh and i have been helping my sister in law with her business and in the process of putting it on the internet for her. And ta dah my hair is actually bending over now!!!! How cool is that??? haha I remember back last year at the melby cup i was going to take bets on when my hair would start bending, well it has started. Lordy knows who would have taken that bet. haha Oh, i did manage to grow these stupendously long eyelashes too ... cept they have all broken off now. I told my onco nurse i wanted to keep those and get rid of the other bits that i was left with. Shame it doesnt work like that! Keep on being you larn and the world will be a better place and i bet you wont be able to get that song out of your head now. Julie xoxo
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Arrrrrr! Hindsight. Lol. Would probably be such a boring journey if we were born with it. What is that movie with Nicole Kidman and everyone is so perfect and boring. Havent seen it all but did they turn out to be robots? haha. Glad you are feeling well despite the fatigue iron deficiency brings on. You sound busy! I havent been on much while settling so dont know whats happening with your arm, but hope everything is ok. Take care, dont do to much. You sound like me at times and like to have a few projects on the go at once :-) Oh guess what I did. Booked myself on a cruise. Might have to cancel if T's scans are not good in July but was a big step to book anyway. Hawaii wow.
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haha re hindsight ... how boring it would be!! Totally agree with you there. Havent seen the movie but i think robots sound like they would fit in with boring. :D Am sure everything is fine with my arm ... just old age and treatment and one of those things. I like to keep busy too, larn ... keep my mind occupied and like to try new things. Am even going to have a go at doing some coding for a website, not that it is really tough coding to do (or so i have been told). Omgosh and good on you!!! Hey Hawaii sounds wonderful ... wow ... you will been hula'ing everywhere and we will be thinking lots of hula thoughts for you. That is a huge step and wonderful for you. Are you going with friends or by yourself? I had plans of going on a holiday and that has just been put on the back burner for a bit ... well a long time if i am honest. 🙂 Thats ok though and its all good. Now i have visions of you in a grass skirt and doing the hula. Good one, larn!!
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Hey Alana and Julie, The movie was The Stepford Wives, I've never seen the whole thing, only maybe 20 mins once, turned it off before they were 'revealed' as robots! Glad to see that you are finding some clarity, be it through Julie's words or your own amazing and admirable insight and wisdom. Just logged on quickly to see how you're doing. Hope you have a good day and roll on Hawaii!!! Can see you now in your pink wig and grass skirt with a cocktail in hand!!! Keep up the good work, you are doing what is right for you and that is the most important thing. I seem to recall you once wrote something along the lines of, the people who matter don't mind and the people who mind don't matter. Thinking of you as always, from one category girl to another!!! hehe Jill xOxO (extra big hugs!!!)
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Hey Jill Thanks re what movie it was ... it is familiar but i dont recall seeing it. Ummmm cos you turned it off 20 mins in, does that mean its not worth watching? lol Julie xoxo
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Love it when your own words come back and slap ya awake hahaha. Thanks Jill. Needed that. Must remember to pack that pink wig for the cruise. I am going for one of my best friends 40th to answer that question for Julie. There are three of us all with a birthday just before so that was a good enough excuse for us 🙂 I have been a Mum since I was 18. Not much opportunity for big holidays so this is my first overseas holiday. Have to get my passport organised as I have never had one. So nervous about being away from my girls for 16 days. WIll be sending them on their own holidays to my sisters or I will never relax. Some days I want to cancel as I stress out about whether they will be ok. That darn umbilical chord is never completely severed is it? lol Seems Stepford wives was not one of Nics success stories. No one I know seems to have got through it all!!!! Take care ladies
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Hey larn I can relate to the umbilical cord thing. My poor son just raises his eyebrows and mutters "mum" and i tell him "just let me be a mum for bit longer and tomorrow you can be a young man again" haha Tis our standing joke and i also tell him i need to let go of the apron strings gently ... or i need time to get used to not being a mum. Course he knows i am joking although a little bit serious about it all. We will never stop being mum's. Julie xo
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Hawaii sounds awesome! My eldest is nearly 21 and I still have trouble leaving him .Maybe I am more worried about what wil become of the house! Stay strong Alana and what a wondeful gift hindsight is. It would be great if we could all practise what we preach about starting each new day afresh and forgetting the past. HAng in there and stay well, S
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well done, don't go back, never look back, go forward with your wonderful girls. move far far away, keep the relationship on your terms. be happy, stay blessed. don't make excuses for him or for you. at least you realized it now and got your kids out alive, that is what matters. stay away from toxic relationships, even if they are family. keep yourself safe, good luck.
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Thanks star shine I wont go back. The girls and I are slowly building ourselves back up. Not easy but definately rewarding. We seem to grow closer and closer everyday 🙂 We will come out the other side of this stronger, closer and with a loving, unbreakable bond. Take care Alana
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hi Alana, Glad to hear the positive tone. What was the fundraiser? You are an amazing ball of energy!! S
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Biggest Morning Tea. Donned my pink wig in coffee club. Took the opportunity to hand out Pabs Place flyers and had a lot of positive responses. website is in the making as well thanks to versallion and her husband. It can now be googled! YAY! This year is the year I will achieve something I will be proud of forever!!!! Something besides my girls that is. Bj was helping with BMT. You should have seen her!! So enthusiastic about fundraising and rattling facts off to anyone she came across. She raised $191.75 on her own. Then raced home to find out how that much money would help someone with cancer. Then she was asking when we could do another one haha. I was very proud of her. :-) Take care Alana
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Hey Alana Grats on the morning tea and grats to your daughter too!! Such a treasure and just like mum. 🙂 I bought two mugs from milroy the other day and did a biggest morning tea in the town next to where i live and for a small town they raised 2000 dollars. Was lovely and it all helps soooo much. Well done again larn! hugsss Julie
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Hey Alana Grats on the morning tea and grats to your daughter too!! Such a treasure and just like mum. 🙂 I bought two mugs from milroy the other day and did a biggest morning tea in the town next to where i live and for a small town they raised 2000 dollars. Was lovely and it all helps soooo much. Well done again larn! hugsss Julie
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Super Contributor
Hey Alana Grats on the morning tea and grats to your daughter too!! Such a treasure and just like mum. 🙂 I bought two mugs from milroy the other day and did a biggest morning tea in the town next to where i live and for a small town they raised 2000 dollars. Was lovely and it all helps soooo much. Well done again larn! hugsss Julie
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Julie thats fantastic!! I usually average $3000 for greatest shave and girls night in and I am on the massive gold coast!!! BMT is a little one for us, Bj's project this year and I think we would have raised around $5-600 She is now talking about using her film and television contacts to make a doco about Pabs Place!! This is an 8 year old girl we are talking about. I dont know whether to be sad that she has thought so much about this instead of thinking about when the next hannah montana film is out or whatever normal eoght year old gurls think about. I do know that I am very proud that she is showing such empathy so young. Anyway well done Julie that is a wonderful effort :) Take care Alana
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Hi Alana I had nothing to do with the organising of the morning tea, i just went along and ate home made scones and drank coffee. lol It is like stepping back in time as its a farming community and they all still make n bake, which is fantastic! I am amazed and in awe of your energy and you Bj is just one special girl. I get how you are feeling about her growing up so quickly and yet the direction in which she is growing is healthy and wonderful. Kids today are amazing and how thoughtful of Bj to consider using her contacts to raise money and awareness. There are an amazing amount of people that tackle cancer with such courage and i think until it has touched your life you cant really understand and yet there is an amazing amount of empathy out there in the general community. Oh i am out of touch with what normal eight year old gurls think about. No idea what eight year old boys think about now. I just left my 21 year old and his mates at my house for 5 days while i was in perth having check ups. Am pleased to say i came home and the house was "ok", which was a big phew. you take care too alana and i read that your life is coming together for you, slowly but surely and thats fantastic. I often wonder how you are, along with a lot of the people on here. Julie xo
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Alana - like mother like daughter methinks! Is BJ the one with all of the classic oneliners? If she is, I reckon she could do a one-woman show and raise thousands. I'm off to google Pab's Place - what an inspiration you are. Samex
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yes she is the onliner child. barrels of entertainment all year round haha
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Here we go again. Infected lymph nodes. Seems I will be caring from afar this time. Trying to still offer as much support as possible. T is very convinced it is the end for him. Scary to have him in such a negative frame of mind. Spend hours talking him back 'up' again. Any advice?
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Super Contributor
Hey Larn I can imagine that T is panicking that it is something more than an infected lymph gland. Perhaps when the antibiotics kick in and he starts to feel better physically his mental state will pick up. Julie xo
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verdict in today. Lymphoma is the word thrown around this time. Whole new cancer apparently. OP and chemo......again. Seems T's body has it in for him. (his words) keeps throwing these mutant aliens at him. genetic mutations. Did not see onc so not sure if those were his words or one of T's famous conspiracy theories. Whatever it is we are back in the cancer world, with an uncertain future, cancelled cruise, and those dreaded words 'stay strong'. Forever changed by this relentless stalker....cancer
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Gees, larn that sucks and i am sorry to hear that! Hang in there and am sorry to hear you have had to cancel your cruise! That is a real shame as you were so looking forward to that. Sometimes we just arent strong I think and that is ok for a while. I think sometimes we need to just drop and regroup our energies to be able to bounce back a bit and biff cancer in the nose again. I am sure T and you are feeling somewhat defeated at the moment, hang in there though and you will be back to living strong again! hugsss Julie xo
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Regular Contributor
Oh, Alana, Just when you thought that you would be able to deal with the world. Sometimes we can't just 'stay strong' and something has to give. Try (I know this sounds a little trite)to give yourself a break to enable to, if not one step ahead, then at least keep up with the pace. My heart goes out to you. Hugs, S
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