please......no more

[larn75]

It starts with my pre-cancers. All fixed, feel lucky they were pre-cancers and not anything worst. Life goes on. A small op and they are behind us. Marriage struggles through this. I am not supported. Good thing I am strong. Can get through with some help from friends. More pain. Cysts on ovaries. Couple more ops. Bigger ones this time. Longer recuperation. No support from T. Even met with anger, I did this deliberately?? Kids watch all this. Friends awesome, as always. All well health wise, T blues with kids. Should I leave? Hate being in the middle. He never seems happy with them no matter what they do. Eldest becomes depressed. Doc talks of anti-depressants. Start couselling for her. seems to do the trick. Mamogram discover more pesky cysts. Thankful again that is all they are. T asks, y do I have to have so many problems? He is sick of it. Kids watch. Contemplate leaving, again. To chicken to do it. Stay. New job. T happier for little while. Meet some nice people. Loose a long time friend to Breast Cancer. Told not to bother telling people that night at friends party by T. Moon has two stars above it. Looks like a smiley face. Is she telling us she made it to heaven. Shed a quiet tear. Busted by T, annoyed with me. Wish I had the guts to leave him. Grandad still in hospital after six months. Find out he has leukemia, incurable. dies within a few days. Told why bother being upset, he probably wished himself to die, he was always over dramatic and liked attention. Thanks yet again for the support T. Less than two weeks later. Lose my best friend for life to suicide. Bipolar brought on by earlier brain injury. Drs assure us he just couldnt help it. Gutted. So gutted. Part of me is gone forever. 24 years of friendship and I have lost him. I will never be the same. Mandatory that I join the third of the three amigos at the funeral. A fight to go but nothing will stop me being there, not even T. Leave day before oz day. Girls will join me day after the funeral for a wedding. T coming day before wedding as hates family holidays. Funeral was so very hard. Cant be true. This world is not the same without you. Can I bear to open my eyes and realise Pabs is no longer here. Wake held at Pabs brothers. Spend the day with his family and my other amigo. Good memories with a new hard edge. One that cuts. Cry all night. Call T. Told to deal with it, s#*t happens. Its part of life. Mind made up. Girls and I will be moving out as soon as we get home. Last straw. This one cuts too deep. 8 years of this in various forms. Wake up girl. Nothing is going to change. Life is too short and I am here to make a difference. Time to move on. Wedding beautiful despite the 42 degree day. Gotta love Adelaide. I have lots to do as part of the wedding party, and T has a few mild tantrums. Ignore it. Fingers crossed I will only have a few more weeks of this and I will be moving out. T been complaining of feeling unwelland hernia repair seems to be taking its time healing. Sit down to try talking to T about us moving out. He is still complaining of feeling unwell and is now confessing to be in a lot of pain. I take him to dr who suggets a colonoscopy. T is so sick so I take him to emergency room. They keep him there and attempt to prep him for colonoscopy. Cant keep gunk down. So sick. They get colonoscopy done. T diagnosed with bowel cancer, on Pabs birthday. The journey you all know about. yay remission at the end of it all and obviously I stuck around. Attitude did not improve towards the kids however and in fact become much much worse so one year after diagnosis us girls left. Lots of counselling sessions and love and support has seen us girls start to improve. Find out that middle child had been seriously contemplating suicide before we left, her hair had started falling out and her body weight had dropped to 18%. Scary scary revelation. Things looking good, middle child who had a medical absence from school for whole term starts talking about going back. Yay such a huge step. T struggles, calls ten, eleven times a day. txts a lot and calls in with lame excuses. trying to be patient as things must be hard for him alone in that big house. Apart from T's troubles, us girls are settling well. Lots of laughs in our house. Dont realise how good a childs laugh is till you dont hear it for a long time. We are going to come out of this strong us girls. Pabs Place is starting to take shape. My businesses are taking off. Life is going along great after lots and lots of hard work to get us here. Hope T will be alright. i go to counselling with him to help him get through all this. Dont want to go back just want him to get well and enjoy life. Scans today suggest cancer restaging. Can I come home? I cant, just cant. feel physically sick thinking about it. Girls wont survive him again. Cant do it. Please......no more