the latest....

[Shennanigans]

so its not been an easy past few weeks for me. but that is nothing in comparison to what my dad must be dealing with right now. He's been keeping me at a distance with everything since i returned from the USA about 6 weeks ago. I knew this wasn't going to be easy... caring for him and being his crutch, but i believed i was strong enough to hide my emotions from him so he wouldn't feel bad. My goal has been to make sure he is happy and has what he needs and wants from the very beginning. looking back on October when we 1st found out about the cancer... and the months he spent going through treatment... the days i watched him change and almost disappear before my eyes.... he doesnt really look like himself anymore... but hes always gonna look like the tough man covered with tattoo's, brylcream in his hair raking leaves or mowing the lawn with a beer in one hand to me. ive been dwelling on the past a little these last few weeks, and its breaking my heart. Even now as i sit here typing this and thinking back i cant help but cry. I dont know how it is for other carers... i have managed so well and held it all together now for 4 and a half months. i guess this latest news has just taken what was remaining of my spirit and shattered it in to a hundred thousand shards of pain. My dads cancer has returned. and so soon. he only completed treatment in December 2011 and its rearing its ugly head again. on speaking to the radiation oncologist a week ago when i noticed the scab on his chin he told me what it may have been (on the phone because my dad is absolutely too stubborn to go anywhere before his appointment) if the cancer was returning so quickly, he mentioned a time frame of weeks maybe months for my dad to live. while i have my fingers crossed that he is wrong and i will have more time with my dad, i also dont want him to be in pain anymore. watching his suffering on a daily basis is torture. i guess in some way im not prepared to deal with all this in my own head... and Ive been ignoring the facts from the very beginning. But my emotions control me now and i need to find a strategy to dealing with them because i cant control the random outbreaks of tears and heartache. ON TOP OF ALL THIS.... ive basically been asked since mentioning to my aunts and uncle to "start getting things in order" so not only do i get to watch my father slowly and painfully leave me forever, i get to be the one (and i have two very capable brothers) who gets to do all the looking in to and working out the (i feel horrible even typing this and it turns my stomach) funeral details and costs. while i finally did manage to bring up the topic of him finally making a will, it was hard enough let alone being asked to go one step further. there is a question on the will kit that asks what his burial wishes are and its not something i want to bombard him over at this time. all i keep thinking about is how do cope when i loose my dad. hes been my strength now for too many years. When its been hard for me ive turned to him and when its been hard for him he turns to me. how do i just let all that go? what do i do when hes not here anymore. and i spend what time i have left here in australia in an empty house all alone. While i know ill always have my brothers, Beck and Nick there to support me... ive had to say good bye to not one... but both my parents before im even 28. my dad can be a complete ass... but flaws aside, hes turned me in to who i am today. and i really like who i have become as a person. and he may never tell me (because we dont really express feelings to each other in my family) but i see how much my dad loves me... how much he cares. and thats good enough for me.