Hi hmmm not quite sure how to start , brain not functioning on all cylinders so much crap going on in there.


I just left my Ma 2 days ago she is still in hospital just diagnosed with cancer throughout her body she had a biopsy yesterday so will ahve final diagnoses nest week , But drs think primary is lun and she will go into pallitive care she is 91, But mums should  die right.  I had tocome home early as My hubby Neale has his oncolgist appt today , We where told last week that he has spinal compression from a small tumour he also has multiple  metastaic cancer. He is some back pain but no other symptoms , We were told that he was not to do any lifting. Neale is a bury your head in the sand kinda person . Thinks he is ok So i go out and he has lifted a bag of concrete" Im right he says". I just lost it I asked him if he wanted to be in a wheel chair OMG i wanted to shake him. Then I felt so bad.


At the moment I am trying to come to terms with my Ma's diagnosis , and today we will find out about hubbies treatment and prognosis I feel sick  in the tummy just writing that word. His oncologist has already prebooked him to see the radiation oncologist on monday , things are not looking to good.


I feel void of any emotion numb tired cant sleep ,not sure if I can hold it all together today ,am worried the flood gates will open . I feel bad as with the talk about mum I forgot about Neale and his feelings. does that make me a bad person . I feel that it does, I am scared for Mum I am scared for Neale and I am scared for me.  The past week had been crap and next week is going to be worse.crap crap crap. and double crap . Cancer sucks big time.



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