Mum received her initial cancer diagnosis on the her birthday in April of 2022, I was 28 weeks pregnant with my first baby.
I cried uncontrollably for 3 days, and could only think about how horrible I was to her as a young teen and now she is my best friend. At the same time I felt like I had no right to cry that much becuase I've got to have my mum by my side the first 21 years of my life I should consider myself lucky and she lost her mum to bowel cancer when she was only 10years old.
the day my daughter was born was mums first scheduled day of chemo, she went into extreme allergic reaction three times during the session, the day later she got Covid and couldn't meet her granddaughter for another week.
I guilty I don't see her everyday but I know she understands that having a step son and new born I have other priorities.
I know my dad isn't coping but just keeping a brave face. I don't know how to talk to him to support him.
I felt guilty for resenting my older brother, I felt he is the oldest he should be the one helping mum sort her super and will ect ect. I felt sorry for myself and somewhat angry at my mum for choosing me to be the person she confides in and relays on.
im thankful though that she knows and trusts me enough to do so.
I want to tell my younger sister to stop being in denial and face the fact that she might not get better, but I don't want her to think about it like I do and be devestated.
mum know has fluid on her lungs and the stomach cancer has spread.
I refuse to break down, or talk about it I don't want to loose my composure.
I don't know how I will cope without her, I always thought I would have my mum be by my side as I learn to be a mum myself.
in the past I've used substance abuse as a crutch or coping mechanism is something big changed or I couldn't cope ect.
I have a beautiful baby girl now and will need to support my family, I am the matriarch and have always picked up all the pieces but I don't know how I'll do it this time if the worst happens. I lean on mum when all else fails and if she's not there to prop me back up I just don't know how life will go
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