Dealing with a loved one with Cancer

[Sqweege]

Hey You have nothing to apologise for! I'm sorry you have got any realistic or "doable" options for other family members to help 😞 My boss who has also become a very dear friend of mine is also ill with cancer and she's told me that it's often harder for loved ones than it is for the patient in that we feel like we can't DO anything, we feel helpless in watching our loved one suffer. My Dad agrees that he feels this journey is harder emotionally on us than him. How do I feel about the timeline. I've given that some thought and it is hard to answer. I knew Dad was termed "palliative" as in not curable so I knew he wasn't going to recover as such. My Dad was the one who asked for the timeline, he felt he needed to know. When he told me I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I had been apprehensive about if/when this day would come. When I got off the phone from my Dad I completely lost it. I was howling so loudly, I put the vacuum on. I rang my Mum and bawled my eyes out to her, saying how scared I am and that I'm not ready to lose my Dad :'( I am grieving my Dad now, he is still here of course and hope to god he proves the docs wrong and is still here for many years to come! It's kind of like when you're in a relationship that you know is coming to an end, you grieve before it's actually over. I hope I'm making sense. Basically, really trying to take it a day at a time and be in the moment, really really concentrating on not looking too far forward because I drop my bundle when I do that. I imagine your Mum and my Dad are scared of whats happening to them, they're worried about the effect this has on us and all their loved ones ... my Dad has a positive outlook to the cancer and really takes it one step at a time, concentrating on what needs to be done to feel better and stronger. I cannot imagine for a minute how he feels knowing death is imminent ... ok I'm crying again, sorry! Hey, we can be a good support to each other. Hugs again

[meandma]

Hello again, my new friend. I try not to think to much about the day my world will coming crashing down. I have tried to get mum to talk about her feelings but l don't get very far, so l think it's to hard for her as well. She is quite happy to turn up and let you do all treatments necessary but doesn't want to know the reason for it. I can only hope for you and your dad that the 18 months will turn into 18 years (at least). The one thing l want for mum is that she suffer as little discomfort and pain as possible. If that means l lose her a few months or days earlier than so be it. I love her enough that her pain comes before mine and l will let her go and not make her suffer because l can't say goodbye. As for my little melt down, which started me down this path. l have taken the advise of a very wise lady (my mum) that l don't have to jump everytime she says she needs something. I was putting myself under to much stress by trying to get everything done NOW. I just wanted to get everything done, so she wouldn't have to. I am only human after all and have my limitations. Well l better go for now. Keep you chin up and l'll talk to you again soon. Bye for now, meandma.

[diannep52]

Hi Meandma I know this post was really for Sqweege, but I just cant help 'butting in'. You have taken a very sensible attitude 'on board' at such a difficult time for YOU. It's great to hear you saying that you are going to put mums pain and discomfort before your own, I know how hard it is to make this decision (I have done it myself!) Your mum sounds like a beautiful lady and you should listen to her when she says 'dont jump everytime she needs something'. Who cares if something doesnt get done today, ie: washing, housework, etc - you can rest assured it will still be there tomorrow or the next day, or maybe even the next (haha). Looking after your mum and taking care of yourself are the main priorities at the moment and it is a HUGE job that yourself (and Sqweege) have taken on board. My mum would 'stick her head in the sand' and think if I dont talk about 'it' or know much about 'it' - then it will just go away. My dad, on the other hand, would talk to me for hours on end about his prognosis and his fears, etc. My mum used to apologise for the things my sister and I used to have to do for her. She was totally incontinent for about 6 months prior to her passing and bed ridden also, and I could see the pain in her eyes as we would clean her up and change her. She would apologise profusely and I would just laugh and say to her 'Mum, you changed my bum as a baby, now it's our turn to change yours! I just cant imagine what goes through 'the parent's' mind as the roles are reversed and 'the children' do the caring. I absolutely adored my mum (as we ALL do adore our parents) and we looked after her at home as that was HER wish. She had a fear of dying, as did my father, but they both feared hospitals more than anything else. They had the mind set that they wouldn't get the proper care in hospital (dad was 63 when he died and mum was 82) - I have no idea how they came to this conclusion - but anyway it was their choice and my sister and I honoured it! I have decided I dont want to put my children through this, (and this is just about ME, I am totally not suggesting this is what anyone else should do) and I have legal documentation that says I am to go into palliative care or a nursing home, so that my children and g/children and partner dont have to do the things for me, that I/we did for my mum. My children and partner are not happy about this decision, but hey, its not gonna happen for a LONG time (if I have my way - haha). Meandma and Sqweege - you both are brilliant ladies and deserve lots of praise for what you are doing for your parents. Keep up the excellent work and take care. @meandma - yes you are human and YES you do have your limitations. Go with the flow and let your body tell you what to do :) big hugs to you both Di

[diannep52]

my gosh - sorry for the ramblings. I do go on a bit dont I. Once I start a reply, my fingers just take over and just keep going. 🙂

[meandma]

Hello Di, l am just starting to realise how lucky l am. I have new friends on this website. I don't consider your emails 'ramblings', they are thoughts which come from the heart. And have helped me (and others) to realise we are allowed to have feelings of our own. It's not just about the patient. Although they are all thought consuming. My mum (as l'm sure all parents are) is THE most special mum very on the planet. I don't have children, so l to will be requesting pallative care (should the need arise), as l wouldn't put my siblings and nieces through this. I'm very close to them as well, but there are some parts of an old aunty they just don't need to see. lol I truly thank you and Sqweege for your help with this. Both of you have helped me in ways l can't begin to express. Thank you both for your honesty and time in responding to my troubles. I hope one day l can help you or someone else as you have helped me. Meandma

[diannep52]

Hi Meandma I'm sorry I just had to reply again - I just LOVE your comment - I'm very close to them as well, but there are some parts of an old aunty they just don't need to see. lol I was in the middle of a mouthful of coffee whilst reading your reply and my pc was very nearly covered with coffee, I laughed that much. I think it is great that we can all see the funny side of difficult situations. Thanks for making me laugh and glad we have all been of some help to you. Thanks for the kind words. Di 🙂

[S.Murphy]

well my mom was diagnosed on thursday breast cancer we dont know if it has spread till monday. my warm thoughts for you..im only new to this journey and can only imagine how terrible further down the track it will get. just remember i dont think anyone who goes through this doesnt struggle with seeing their loved one go through it. especially your mom.