I live in Australian - Terminal Mum lives in UK - Feel so far away?

[gabiwun]

Hi Jule, We do seem to have heaps in common. 🙂 My mum is also the love of my life. My daughter too, in a different way, of course, but I often have the irrational feeling that nobody could understand how much I love my mum and how much she means to me. No matter that I am middle aged, I still feel like that little kid, running into her arms when she got home from work. I don't know that they have said how many more cycles. She had 9 initially and had had one or two more before they stopped due to the numbness. She thinks that has improved a bit but it is still a worry for sure. At least for now we can be really happy with the good results. My sister and my niece and Mum posted some photos on whats ap when they were out celebrating after the Dr appointment and they were all just beaming. Here's to the good days for us all and for the good people who are there on good days and bad. All my best wishes, Gabe

[Voodoolady]

Hi Jule My mother was given a terminal prognosis in July. I'm about 12 hours drive away from her so not quite a far as you. My parents and I emigrated here back in 1965 and I am an only child. My mother has breast, lung and bone cancer. The latter being the one they can't fix. My father was also recently treated for Bladder cancer and has his first review after chemotherapy this month. (Fingers crossed for that but prognosis is better). We have never had cancer in the family prior to my mother getting breast cancer for the first time 16 years ago. Unfortunately what she thought was scar tissue from her partial mastectomy turned out to be the return of the breast cancer and by the time it was discovered it had metastasized to the spine and a secondary inoperable cancer had appeared in the lung. At the moment all they can do is treat her for pain (she has just spent another week in hospital to sort out her pain meds as the ones she was on weren't doing anything for her). The oncologist says "up to two years" but in this recent visit to hospital they think they have found another cancer in her other lung. I keep asking her if she needs me to come up and her reply is always "not yet". There is no one else..her best friend died from lung cancer (and Mum nursed her) about 8 years ago. Dad does the best he can but she gets impatient and lashes out at him at times. I think more because of the pain than really being angry with him. Personally I don't know how, what to feel. Mum and I have never been close but over the past 5 years (prior to diagnosis) we have become good friends again. We talk daily on the phone now. Do you use Skype to speak to your mother? Anyway, this is the first time I have written anything here. Part of me wants to cry but Mum doesn't need that. I try to be upbeat and funny and strong for her but it's very hard. Like you I don't know when I should go and be with her. I'm in Victoria and she is in upper North NSW. I have a husband and chickens and I'm currently studying for my Bachelor of Art in Fine Art. I find this helps me focus on something other than my mother. I think it's good that your mother has "dates" to live for. For my mother it's my Dad's 80th and their 60th Wedding anniversary. We talk about that a lot. Regards Jackie

[Jule1971]

Hi Jackie Thanks for writing and sharing. I truly believe this page helped me so much by just getting it all out there and writing it down for complete strangers to read who knew exactly what I was going thru! I hope it helped a little. There is nothing any of us can say except I understand all that you have wrote. You will decide what is best for you to do.. When to see your mum. When to cry and shout and scream. When to be involved with other tasks so that you don't think about your mum. Then feel bad that you didn't think about your mum. That's what this page is, in my opinion, for the people without cancer but who are still suffering. You mention pain meds for your mum, no other treatments? It's great that you chat so much, I message my mum every day and we talk Thursday's via FaceTime or Skype. Don't beat yourself up by trying to be upbeat. I am the joker of the family. I can always make mum laugh and tried to spend our phone calls whilst chatting about cancer, treatment, wigs etc to be fun and silly and positive. I realized it was a problem when I came off the phone and sobbed for an hour straight. We are all human. That was the day I wrote here. When are the special dates in your family? 60th wedding anniversary wow! I can't wait till we go back to see mum although how bittersweet that visit will be I'm sure... Please write again even if just to keep us posted and always happy to just read/listen. I know sometimes I don't need any answers just someone to say they understand. Sending much love and blessings to you all xx Jule x

[Voodoolady]

Hi Jule No no other treatment. There is nothing they can really do that will help. They can try to remove what's left of her breast and also remove part of her lung but unfortunately the cancer in her spine is aggressive and inoperable. It was decided that her quality of life recovering from these major surgeries was not worth putting her through as the outcome would still be the same. As the bone cancer is already in 4-6 places in her spine she can't have radiation therapy or chemo. They did try her on hormone therapy (apparently that help strengthen the bone which can become brittle) She's off that now and will be having weekly infusions (not sure of what) to help the bones stay stronger. Other than that it's just about keeping the pain bearable. Thank you for your reply...it does help to be able to write about things. It's not really a facebook share if you know what I mean Regards Jackie

[Jule1971]

I hear you Jackie x Feel free to post whenever, whatever... I do! Jule x

[Jule1971]

Just had one of the calls I been dreading. My mum is going to (albeit it wonderful) hospice. They are concerned with her continued sickness, lack of eating, fatigue, speech... you name it really. This ride is terrible I want to get off. I have no words actually, just lots and lots of tears today x

[gabiwun]

Hi hun, I'm so sorry to hear that you are having such a sad time. I know that the thought of her being well cared for and hopefully benefiting from that cannot really comfort you for the fact that it has become necessary. It's a shit of a ride alright. Hope your people around you are holding on to you tightly through this moment. Xx Gabe.

[grrlboiwonder]

Hi Julie - I am new to this site and have just seen your thread of messages and your latest news. I can relate to feeling and being so far away from my own family in the UK, albeit reversed for me as my grandmother is with me here and all our family are in England or Italy. I however remembered two years ago when I was told my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer, which spurred my grandmother and I to fly back to the UK for a final visit. Being so far away, not having support of family, not being there with them...I get that. I feel really alone despite family from the UK sending emails and phoning me, words sometimes aren't enough. I read your latest update about your Mum going to hospice. Great news for her to get that support and care she needs, but what about you - how are you feeling about all of this? No words and just lots of tears is telling enough about how difficult this is. Don't we all wish we lived a little bit closer to those we love and care about Xx