Lost Fiance...

[xoitsmae]

Hi all, 

I'm new to this whole cancer council support system, but i thought i'd give this a go. 

Long story short my boyfriend (and fiance)'s father was diaognosed with a tumor in his lung in 2017

(un-operable) just after we signed our lease to move out together. His father wanted us to continue with life as normal and for the past two years it has gone by so fast, He started with chemo then moved over immunthearpy. (is that what is called im not sure?) 

He gave us the news the other day that a small spot has appeared in his liver, which apparently can be quite fatel if not looked after immediately which means more chemo, but soon as he goes back on chemo that's it he cant do immunethearpy ever again. We are there supporting him where we can, unfortunately i think quietly within ourselves everyone is prepared and knows there is no good outcome for this but he's been going strong for two years so i guess its just a question of when. 

Here is my question. 

Last year on mine and my fiance's three year anniversary he proposed to me whilst on our holiday in disney land it was incredible a dream come true. We don't have a date yet... we were thinking sometime next year. HOWEVER i don't know if i should bring up or what way is a good way to bring up the idea that maybe even though we arn't exactly where we want to be before marriage, should we be looking at marrying earlier with his fathers recent update? I don't even know if that's a appropriate thing to ask? is it a smart thing to disscuss it? just to have that thought of "okay if this happens or it gets to this stage and where not married yet we marry now so that he gets to see it and be apart of it?" Like i've never dealt with a loved one possibly having to pass away from cancer that is connected to me in this way as deeply as a father in-law and i love him very very much. 

i want to be there for them, for my partner but i'm also trying to think about the reality of the situation and is it possible that maybe we should be considering a "if it gets to this stage" wedding strategy? if that makes sense...  

if anyone has had to go through this or can help in anyway i'd really really appreciate it. 

Many thanks 

M

[PhilPepper]

Hi M

You are a wonderful person. Being there for a family member with cancer and considering manipulating your life options to bring joy to that person.

I offer my opinion, not so much advice. it comes from being a cancer suffer and being married three time.

Firstly, I was married young twice, both times with short term relationships and pregnancy being a factor. Marriage seemed like the expected and right thing to do, but the relationships were not strong enough. Both marriages were short. The third time, I deliberately took it slow, careful not to rush anything. I was happy not to get married at all, but when we did,  we made a point of breaking all the traditions. So far so good. We are 15 years strong. For me, success was about making our marriage about us and no one else. Knowing how bad a failed marriage can impact, I would suggest to get married when you both know the time is right. The toughest decision you may face is to ask for it to be delayed, if you feel it is happening too soon. I think it is best to not get married earlier for someone else's need. And keep in mind, he hasn't asked this of you.

My Aunt recently died of bowel cancer and has missed her son's wedding next week. I'm sure they considered the same options, but I'm certain she was happy that they were happy to be in love and planning a life together. The reality is, she was going to miss many exciting events in their lives and unfortunately the wedding was a close one but just couldn't make it. In the end, she had made her peace with it. She had a chance to say goodbye to her loved ones and make new family memories leading up to her death.

I have been undergoing treatment for bowel cancer and had to face some very hard realities too. I reached the point early on, accepting I may have a short life span looking forward, but I came to grips with it quite easily. I found I was okay with letting go, but then discovered my family were not so keen. It was much harder for them to accept that I had cancer. So my fight for survival, was for my loved ones. So I could be here for them. So looking at my kids for example, I had accepted I may not be around to see my kids get married and have kids of their own, but they wanted me to be there. It changed my perspective on life. I was no longer living for myself, I was living for them. So from my perspective, I have no desire to have them live for me. I just want to ensure I can be here for them as long as I can be.

Just my two cents worth. I hope you father in law to be is continuing the fight and going strong. All the best.

Cheers

Phil 

[xoitsmae]

Dear Phil, 

firstly I want to say I hope you are doing as best as you can in these situations and enjoying your life as much as you can. 

secondly, 

thank you so much for incredible response and message of kindness and taking the time to tell me your story and help me get a grasp on this cancer journey i am watching my to be father in law go on. True as you said in your message he has not asked us to marry before he gets worse, in fact he out of everyone in my whole family been the only one to encourage us to do it on our terms. He has incredible wisdom and I’ve spoken with him a lot over our time of knowing each other when I don’t know what to do about certain things. But I didn’t feel like I could go to him about this which is why I posted it here and your response really flawed me in a good way feeling my heart with warmth I in fact teared up a little reading your story and your journey and how you are living for your kids and that just wow is all I can say. 

I completely agree with you about not wanting to rush anything and wanting to go into this when I know we are totally and completely ready. My fiancé I’ve even told him that he is to come to me when he’s ready to talk about wedding stuff because I know how much it stresses him knowing we arnt financially sound yet. So just getting that I guess confirmation I’m doing the right thing from your advice really makes me feel solid. 

anyway I just wanted to tell you thank you so much for your amazing advice and I wish I had all the time in the world to reply to every part of it. But know that I take all your advice with an open heart, and will definitely keep everything you said in mind. It truly means a lot to me so thank you for that. 

thirdly, I wish you all the best in your journey and that you get to live a life filled with as much joy, as much as possible for as long as possible. 

much love, 

m 

[PhilPepper]

Hi,

Not advice... just my opinion. I think two failed marriages forbids me from advising anyone about marriage. 🤣

And you should sleep more. Damn! being awake in the middle of the night. Anyone would think you have cancer too.

I am on the mend, BTW. All my treatments are complete. We are in monitoring for a few years. Just like our bushfire alerts, I'm on watch and act!

Cheers

Phil 

[PhilPepper]

Hi M

two more cents. I didn't want to say anything because it was your first time, but since you came back... To quote the movie Mr Mom, "You're doing it wrong".

Checkout the community posts on this page. As a support person, you have your own cancer journey. https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au 

try not to read them all. It will break your heart. but do find some topics you can relate to. and I encourage to post your experience.  it may help someone else with a similar experience. 

All the best.

Phil