2 1/2 years ago my Mum was diagnosed with mesothelioma, so we knew from the start it was terminal cancer, knowledge which is both a blessing and a curse. Early this year they decided she had ran out of treatment options and was handed over to palative care. Having so long to emotionally and mentally prepare for her death I was caught completely unprepared for the levels of ever more intense grief, the little pieces of your heart breaking slowly every day for years, that there was a chasm of difference between terminal cancer and dying. But what I really wasn't prepared for was the fact I would slowly lose my Mum while she was still alive. The strong painkillers combined with her disease means shes less and less present, my amazingly supportive and incredibly selfless and generous spirited Mother who always said the right thing is less and less present in her emaciated body. Shes confused and dazed and struggling. Today I saw my father break down and cry for the first time in my 39 years of life, kneeling at the feet of my Mum and kissing her fingers while she sat there completely oblivious. I think we all realised today we have reached a point where a quick death for Mums sake is more desirable than having our beloved Mum alive for our sake. In all my preparations for the loss of her body I never realised I would lose my Mum before she actually died.
