coping with a loved ones cancer

[Cougar68]

Hi `ive just signed on & think ive made a mistake in signing -- so hope this goes through . My husband  was diagnosed with stage 4 metatastic lung cancer 16 months ago with a spot on his liver, & its been a hellish ride . We were given news yesterday that there is now  a new cancer spot on his  rib & I woke up this am absolutely beside myself with grief - & feel iIhave no one to talk to right now . I stumbled upon this site a while ago & have read other peoples battle with coping with their loved ones illness & everything Ive read is exactly what Im  goinf through & feeling .Mal started off with 4 rounds of chemo which did not respond to theatment, so for a year now has had fortnightly rounds of immunotherapy with the drug Nivolumab.  Theres been a small window of time where he did really well but  yesterday we were told that the drug is no longer working & his cancer is rapidly growing . That treatment has now stopped & in the New Year he will have a few sessions of radiation & then just checkups . Iv`e watching Mal slowly loose weight & his cough at the moment is pretty bad & he has to go to sleep sitting up right .Ive been told that Im overthinking things which doesnt help & I am having awful thoughts about the future .I am having a lot of trouble coping with every day things & just hope I get through Christmas ok & have some strength for our children . Writing this has made me feel better . I hope you all have a Merry Christmas with your loved ones xxxx

[little_stitcher]

Hi Cougar, I'm so sorry you and your husband are in this situation, but I'm glad you found this website.  I remember when my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 non Hodgkin's lymphoma and had six months of chemotherapy- I felt like my world was falling apart.  That was five years ago now (he's now in remission), and I still find this site helpful.  It's great for asking/venting/encouraging, and I hope you find it helpful too.

I can identify with the overthinking and fearing the future, too.  It sucks!  (but it's so easy to fall into.)  I had a bit of a breakdown after my husband was declared in remission (once there was no longer a to do list- I'd be mentally planning my husband's funeral while he was off on a bike ride with some mates), and found counselling really useful to help me learn to control my thoughts.  It might help you feel more in control too, if you're begining to be mentally exhausted.  Don't forget to be gentle with yourself, too- you're going through a massive trauma, and from the limited amount I can see, doing it pretty well.

Sending you love and big hugs, Emily

[Cougar68]

Thankyou Emily for your supportive reply to my letter . I have had those horrible thoughts on my husbands funeral too & i know that i`m going to have to get a grip on this before I have a complete breakdown - Ive been very sick lately with a flu like virus which my doctor has said is caused by the stress of my husbands illnes .
The meeting we had with our oncologist & head nurse yesterday laid it on the line & made it very clear that Mals cancer is rapidly growing - I will now be asking the nurse we spoke to yesterday about any issues that are about to crop up in the near future - the whole team in oncology have been fantastic .I have very supportive friends & most of my family are a great help - I am very blessed to have these people in my life , although I am a bit upset that one of my sisters for some reason is choosing not to communicate with me at the moment. I think I`ve read that some people switch of because they can`t cope with the seriousness of the situation ,so I`m not about to take it too personally .
I just need to stop thinking too much about the future . My husband seems to be very calm today after the doctors appointment yesterday - I think its his way of processing all we were told yesterday where I have been a bit of a write off for most of the day .
Thanks for reading my letter .

[little_stitcher]

I'm so glad you've got a good support network.  Yes, unfortunately some people do distance themselves when someone they love is dealing with cancer- good idea not to take it personally- she will come to you when she is ready, and in the meantime concentrate on the people who are there for you. I hope today is a good day for you. xx