where i have been

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where i have been

to hell and back and still on the way to hell. the last 3 months have been nothing but.  mick went in for a bowel resection and stayed a month in hospital ans came out worst that we are now going by weeks on how long he has got. i am so fully of emotions that i dont no which way to turn.  they said 2-5 years i will lose him in less than a year and i am so lost. the grief has just hit me in the last week when i realised that he will never be coming home.  he is now in pallative care at the local hospital. we have been robbed of our time and my daughter has as well. just the thought is  breaking my heart i am missing him already and he hasnt even gone yet. the things that we take for granted the things he did now i have to do and sort out things on my own and not together and now i second guess myself that i am doing the right thing..  i need help in suggestions on how to deal with my daughter and the furneral . he is having a direct burial no service due to the politics of his family and they will cause nothing but heartache for us. some say take he too the grave site and throw rose petals in to the ground and then leave so she doesnt see the rest and then others say dont take her at all.  i am going to be damned if i so and damned if i dont. she keeps asking me why she isnt going to have a daddy anymore. how do i tell a four year old this.  and all i can think of is her and what is happenign to her and i am so lost.  i have no faith in doctors anymore they treated Mick so bad that they saw himas a text book not a person and they really need to have a good look at themselves as they do more damage than goos in some cases.  i miss him so much and pallative care said it is only going to get worse.  i am 38 and going to lose my best mate i have ever had.  but i try too keep reminding my self for our daughter must keep srong for her.. well thats enough i am finishing now.  thanks for ready this i go some things off my chest
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where i have been

Smeggle10... I really feel for you. I dont really know what to say in reply to your message. It's heartbreaking really. I have a son who is nearly 4 so from that perspective I understand a little. As you said, your husband is not gone. He's still here,  try and enjoy whatever time you have left & take your daughter with you even just for cuddles and some time together. Kids are resilient, she will be fine, but no doubt it's a terrible and confusing time for anyone to have to go through let alone a 4 year old. In regards to the funeral, why not wait and see how you are feeling and how your daughter is before making any decisions? She will probably be more concerned for you and how you are than anything else. Is there a social worker or someone you could go & speak with? They will have some suggestions to help you cope a little better. Life is really cruel sometimes, you will see the light at the end of the tunnel, that Im sure of. Just give yourself a break and accept any help you can. Surely there is a carer on here who can give you some better advice. Keep us up to date & all the best.
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thanks butterfly it just  felt to get it off my chest.  it is getting harder and harder each day and being in the health field i no what is going on and what will happen and i think that it makes it worse knowing.  i am sleeping less so i am getting tired and snapping at my daughter which is not easy and finding hard for  people to understand how hard this is as they have not been through it. i didnt realise the grief would be this bad and i just miss him so much already
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Hi Smeggle 10 I am also 38 years old and I have a 7 year old daughter. Who unfortunately understands too much. You need to listen to the advice but then listen to your inner self, you know your daughter and everyone has advice to give but do what you think   is best. Your real friends will stand by you and support you. Its amazing who does and who you think will be there but dissappear . My husband was diagnosed 6 years ago and we have been to hell and back with many surgeries, radiation and kemo. We have been told he has about 6 months and I also dont know how I will cope and if thing I feel and think are normal. I married a man fit healthy and full of life whos passion was surfing. Now it pains me to look at him. Anyway I hope i have helped in some small way.
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