The pain drug. Please re-instate.

Highlighted
Contributor

The pain drug. Please re-instate.

It is 4 weeks since my husband passed away. During this time it has been so busy with funerals and friends and things to do that I guess the pain has been kept at bay in a sort of fashion. I am sure the body must produce a drug of sorts that allows one to get through that first little while. 4 weeks on and now the pain is so intense it is unbearable at times. Crying, does not relieve it, sleep does not relieve it, talking does not relieve it and it is like a hollow that has been carved in my chest where my heart should be. A nursing friend of mine described it really well. It is like an amputation of the heart, it seemingly is not there and yet the pain is real. Yesterday I opened the mail, and the death certificate arrived. It was like being hit in the chest with a rock. That was the day my grieving started I think. I have been so out of it all day, after spending the night crying. It was the confirmation that he is not coming home ever again and this trip is a permanent one. I wonder what is the point of going on. After having somebody by your side for 34 years it is now just me. Yes I have 3 sons and grandchildren and friends but they need to move on with their lives and I cannot rely on them to be there for me every step of the way. They are grieving too. I guess that I will get through this and at some point the sun will shine again and my life will have meaning again. Just for now it is too raw. It is a strange sensation with it feeling like it was only yesterday, ages ago, and never at all, all at once. I just miss him so much. I feel him around me and I know that he will guide me as time goes on but it is just not the same. All the cliche's in the world do nothing at this time. People telling me that I am strong and I will get through it, does not help because at this point in time I feel anything but strong. I just want him back, to hold him one more time and to feel him one more time. This is too hard. Any thougths on how to really get through it when everybody else has moved on would be great appreciated. Thanks in advance.
Reply
0 Kudos
3 REPLIES 3
Highlighted
Contributor

The pain drug. Please re-instate.

Hi Sharon,Just wanted to say thank you for sharing your feelings and that I am sending you my best wishes.If you want any information on any of the services we offered at the Cancer Council or you want to get involved in any activity I am more than happy to send you more information. Best wishes,Totocol
Reply
0 Kudos
Highlighted
Occasional Contributor

The pain drug. Please re-instate.

dear Sharon time doesnt seems to matter .it will be 3 months on wednesday for Christian.Like you with Colin i just want Christian back tell him i love him that im sorry we didnt have enough time a lot of things i just want my husband back.at one stage dear Sharon Colin will come into your dreams dont worry about that you will be sad when u wake up but also feel relieved when he will tell u he is ok .dont panic im not on drugs yet!!!!!! but now i feel a bit better when i go to bed take care dear Sharon Clo
Reply
0 Kudos
Highlighted
Occasional Contributor

The pain drug. Please re-instate.

Sharon - you have a true gift for expressing the inexpressible and I wonder if this will be your way through the achingly painful loss that you are experiencing right now.  I can't give you any answers because grief if a journey we all have to go on alone, but I suggest that you keep on writing all your feelings down.  Share them on this forum, but also keep a journal; carry this with you at all times so whenever you need to 'vent' you can reach out and grab this book.  The beauty of a journal is that you don't need to be nice or polite or worry about upsetting anyone else, you can really let rip.I'm sure you feel many different emotions and some of them may surprise you.  One that can be most distressing is anger - anger at the person you loved most in the world.  How dare he leave you?!  What right did he have to take off and leave you alone.  Perhaps you haven't got there yet, but please don't be shocked if and when you do have those feelings.  Logic has nothing to do with grief. You KNOW that your beloved husband didn't get cancer on purpose; you know that he didn't deliberately abandon you; you know that he loved you and would have been just as devastated as you to not be spending many more years together.  But - he's gone anyway.  Just know that feeling angry at the departed is a normal part of grief and so I encourage you to vent all those feelings in your journal.  You won't be hurting him and you won't be upsetting anyone else.  You have said that you feel him around you, so he will know that it's your despair at losing the love of your life that is causing such extreme emotions.  You will get to a more peaceful place if you let yourself be completely real and don't deny anything that you feel.  Someone once said (possibly Elizabeth Kubler-Ross?) that when we are dealing with huge loss, the only way out is through.  In order to get to the other side, it's vital not to deny and bury feelings that we think are unacceptable.  Feelings are not positive or negative, they are just feelings and if we are having them, then they are true for us in that moment.It might be helpful for you to find a support group.  If you don't know where to start, try typing grief or bereavement support into an Internet search engine and I'm sure you will find some suggestions of where you can find help.  Sometimes just an anonymous voice on the phone might be more comforting than family and friends, in this case Lifeline might be helpful, especially if you are desperate in the middle of the night.People left behind can feel survivor guilt and if this happens to you, seek professional help - your doctor would be a good starting point.  Maybe they will suggest some kind of medication for a short period of time, but it's not a good idea to use that alone.  Then it just becomes a Band-Aid - you need to still work through your feelings, not just paper over the cracks.Hang in there Sharon - as hard as this is, I believe you will get through it.  
Reply
0 Kudos
Post new topic
Talk to a health professional
Cancer Council support and information 13 11 20Mon - Fri 9am - 5pm
Cancer Information and Support

Online resources and support

Access information about support services, online resources and a range of other materials.

Caring for someone with cancer?

Find out what resources and support services are available to assist you.