I lost my beloved father at the age of 62 on 12th April 2020. The saddest part is It all happened so fast, he was totally fit no complications at all, infact running marathons, and one day suddenly he got jaundiced and three weeks later, no more. The worst part is I am in Melbourne studying and was not able to travel back due to Covid 19 restrictions. I’m just 26 and honestly I feel something in me has changed. I just don’t feel the same anymore. I miss him so so much everyday and I do not know how to carry on. I just wish things could go back to how they were.
I am sorry for the loss of your wonderful father and that you can't currently visit him. The change you are feeling is loss, you are grieving and it doesn't help that you can't visit his ashes/body in person. But you can still say a goodbye even from many miles away, you could hold some form of small ceremony to honour his memory or wear/hold something that belonged to him. That can bring some comfort or maybe read or followup on his favourite hobbies - to feel close again.
Things happened so fast for you, I bet there wasn't any real time to fully process it. But for now, talk to your family and friends - remember how he was and the cherished memories.
There are several losses you are managing through. You have lost a wonderful relationship with your Dad,....you didn't get the chance to digest his diagnosis because everything happened so fast..... you couldn't be with him and/or your family because of COVID19.....you weren't able to attend his funeral (which is so important for you).....you have lost many years of relationship with Dad, being just 26.... you have lost something of yourself and identity and you have lost your feeling of surety and security with having your Dad physically in your young life. It sound like...to me... that somehow Dad always seemed to 'make it right'?
Our lives are permanently changed. Whilst I didn't have the relationship I think you had with your Dad, mine died when I was 24. I grieved the loss of making the relationship better. So I also believe you are grieving your future without Dad? I feel there is a sense of betrayal by 'the Universe' because he was so fit and strong and this was out of the blue and just should not have happened? There was no chance to hold him and talk to him and just...take him in one last chance.
Time has been taken from you and yet the age old platitude of Time Heals gets bounced around. But sometimes that bleeding wound doesn't want to close and if it does it leaves a scar, a reminder. Time and nurture can enable you to mend, and incorporate the loss and sadness and...the missing into your life.
If you feel you can 'talk' to me I'm not sure but I think if you click my user name and your message goes to a private conversation. I've had my share of death and loss and I have big ears for listening with 🙂
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