Struggling with Mum's Passing

[Nicola1]

So sorry for your loss Annie and for everyone here who has lost someone. I lost my Dad to bowel cancer 1 year, 6 months and 23 days ago. He was the most gentle, kind and loving dad anyone could wish for. I guess that sums it up that no matter how much time elapses, it feels like it just happened. Someone said to me that grief comes and goes in waves and its so true.  In the first few months there were so many tears and angry and upset thoughts in my head as well (why wasn't dad able to get more chemo? how was he feeling at the end? did he know I was there? etc). After a bit of time elapses you feel like you are back to normal and accepting it all, then something hits you when you least expect it, a reminder of that person: a song, a food they liked, something they used to say. But it does get a little easier so hang in there! It won't ever go away completely and you don't want it to because you love that person so much and don't want to forget them, but it does get better. Love to everyone who has lost someone xxx

[anneidril]

Dear Nicola,

Thank you for responding ♥ I am so, so sorry about your Dad.

We haven't had to get through the 1st year anniversary yet, but just this past week I had to celebrate my 30th and my Dad his 60th without her. It wasn't easy but we tried our best to make it happy.

My Nanny (who has lost 3 daughters, a stepson and her husband) tells me that she still misses her Mum, and that we have to find the happier moments to dwell on. It's easy to stay in our sad, but looking for the good is better. I am continuing to have up and down moments. You're right, it feels like waves crashing over us and then retreating for a little bit before coming back in.

I am so, so sorry that you have such questions to live with. I am hoping he would have felt relatively okay, to slip away. I think that's what Mum was like. However I was told to get my wisdom teeth out, that Mum would be fine that day, and when I got home from the dentist we got the call that Mum had passed away. I still sometimes beat myself up over that. I think all of us have something we wish were different xxx

I actually write a letter to Mum each night, just to get it all out, and you are so right - because we loved them so much of course we feel this grief. But that love was worth all this pain. We were so blessed to have them with us for the time that we had. Of course we wanted more time, but it would never have been long enough when you love someone.

Thank you for your kindness and empathy. It truly means so much to read your reply and helps, as you are further along the journey than I am.

Sending you so many virtual hugs. ♥♥♥

[DaveRyan]

So sorry for your loss and Godspeed for your Mom. The pain and the new daily normal is just exhausting and I wish you all the comfort available.
I too lost my mom to cancer at age 13 and at age 56 I was diagnosed with a similar cancer. There is a peace that surpasses all understanding with the Lord and if you wish to chat about that I would be happy to.
One day at a time....

[Markcoz]

Hey Anne, I am reading your comments and I know what you are going through. Believe in yourself. You can. I lost both my parents in my early 20’s (now im 28). I can say with confidence that i deal with it well now. I want to help people like us and maybe you feel like replying two simple questions. It might help you to gain some clarity.  Excuse me if it's inappropriate, feel free to ignore. Take care.

1. As someone who lost a parent(s)/ family member, what are the 2 biggest struggles you’re dealing with? 
2. Regarding your loss, what would you wish for more than anything else? 

That’s it. I wish you all the best on your journey in life.

[anneidril]

Thank you so much Dave, I really appreciate your kindness in reaching out to me.

I am so sorry you had to say goodbye to your Mum at such a very young age and then deal with your own journey with a similar cancer.

I wish you all the good luck and health on your journey. ♥♥♥

[anneidril]

Hi @Markcoz,

Thank you for reaching out to me. I know words don't convey the depth of it, but I am so sorry that you had to say goodbye to both your parents when you were younger. I am grateful that you (and others) have found a way to keep going and show me that it is possible, even when it feels too big.

1. The 2 biggest struggles... The 1st is probably suddenly becoming the person that needs to have answers for family members with things in life - like what needs to be done with redtape and the house or just making sure everyone is relatively ok. The second struggle is just generally being without Mum's love and guidance. I have a chronic condition and so she was my strength and support throughout my life. it's hard to have bad pain days without her here to hug me.

2. What would I wish for more than anything else... Apart from the obvious one of her still being with us, or me being with her (or even in her place) I guess I would wish that I had learned more from her. I've taken up cross stitch like she used to do, but I wish I had the patience to knit like she did.

I actually just turned 30 a week or so ago, so the milestone was a hard one. But I am trying my hardest to keep going with the happiness and fun she instilled in my life.

Thank you so so much for reaching out Mark. I really wish you well on this journey too. It's the hardest thing, but it helps when people reach out to check on each other as we go through it. ♥

[Markcoz]

Thank you Anne for replying and taking the time to write.

I think having answer reminds you of your mother and thats the hard part. I think it's not that you dont have answer to questions. Its the kind of questions which you would ask your mom and there is the hole. 

I see she was a light and guidance in your life. So great to look back at that time where she did this for you. I dont know if you have children or even plan on having but you could be that for them too. 

You will find your way, there is Always light!  Take care of yourself first before you can take care of others 😉 

Have a blessed day.

[anneidril]

Exactly @Markcoz - I would have asked Mum the questions, to double check things or just get her advice.

I have heard from a few friends that I have helped them with their path through life, over the rocky bits, so maybe that's the best way I can remember Mum. She did that for us, now I am just helping get that out in a wider universe.

Thank you so much for helping me find some clarity Mark, I do appreciate it.

I hope you are going okay, do take care of yourself during this strange time in the world!

Anne.

[Markcoz]

You are very welcome Anneidril,

If you want to talk about some issue or something.. ill be willing to help . Nice to read that you've helped others like your mom also guided you. Thats a right path!