I'm tired, scared and tired of being scared.

[mia1]

I had my thyroid taken out late 2017 because of cancer.  I am now getting radio-iodine treatment in July. I am completely aware that the cancer I have/had would be a blessing in some peoples eyes, yet I cant help but feel sad.  I'm really strugging to grasp the fact I have to get more treatment. I wasnt too scared or worried about the surgery because I knew I would have family and friends there to support me, but the iodine treatment seems really isolating. I'm stuck in a lead room for 3 days then housebound for another 7. I've been told Im only allowed minimal contact with others, for no longer than an hour. I just feel so alone and isolated. I feel like I have no one to talk to as I fear I'll just worry family and friends by talking to them. I find that is the hardest thing, telling family and close friends what is happening. I always find their reactions worry me more than I worry myself. I dont like how much me getting cancer has impacted their lives. It makes me feel like talking about it is a burden. I just want this to all be over but I'm afraid it'll never end. 

[Budgie]

Hello Mia1

Cancer is cancer, no matter what type it is, or where it is, or who has it.  It's a horrible thing for anyone to go through - & not just the sufferers, but for the carers as well.   You will be having this treatment in July, so at least they have given you time to prepare yourself for the isolation you will have to go through.   I think that would be quite hard to take, but at the same time, it's just 10 days.  If you can look at it that way, hopefully, it might be a bit more bareable for you.   Do you like reading, puzzles, crosswords?  Have plenty of things around you to try to make the time go faster.  You can always talk to people/family over the phone as well during this time.

I used to update my siblings in an email as to how my treatment & health was going.  I would do this about 3 or 4 times a year.  At first, they all replied to me, but then, when I started going through rough patches, some of them wouldn't respond.   This got me thinking that maybe the info I was giving them was too hard for them to handle - they didn't know what to say back to me, so they said nothing at all.  I suppose they don't want to know that I'm getting worse because there's nothing they can do for me.  That hurts them.

Now I don't tell them anything unless they specifically ask about my treatment & how it's going.  But I like talking to my family & friends about what's happening because it normalises things for us.  I tell my children everything that's going on with me, & sometimes it's upsetting for them, but by talking about it we're helping us all come to terms with it.

Don't forget that while you're in isolation, you can always chat on this website. 

Please take care

Best wishes

Budgie

[magagie]

Hi Mia1 

I know what you mean, it's hard. Cancer patients start to feel like a burden but we're just trying to share what our life is now. It still amazes me that's its pretty much ok to talk about anything but not cancer! Always here if you need to vent and let it out. The road is scary and it's ok to feel like that, I know what it feels like to want all the worries to go away. Thinking of you x 

[Jode]

Hi, I went through thyroid cancer a few years ago & had four doses of radio active iodine treatment. I remember the worse bit for me was coming off my thyroxine and having to basically hibernate. The first time was pretty scary - but by my last treatment I used to joke that it was my weekend retreat where I could read the novels I’d been saving up and watch whatever I wanted on TV. I got my family to bring food in for me so I didn’t have to eat the hospital food, small things like that helped me feel less alone. It is s**t and the isolation is horrible but you can and you will make it through this. Just take one day at a time.

i can also relate about feeling alone as you don’t want to worry family and friends. I found that speaking with a counselor helped me so much. I could be totally honest about everything and not worry about holding back to protect loved ones. 

Good luck with it all. X