Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I suffered as you have - but it gets better. I think the big thing to address is mental health & loneliness --- if you can hang in there, the physical stuff gets better.
And for crying-out-loud don't 'give up'. Succeeding in a fight against cancer and then submitting to depression, even suicide - it's like a weird Catch 22. Just take a step back, sink in some information and perspectives, then form a strategy. Things can and will get better, but yeah - it does hinge on YOU.
Let me give you a quick re-hash of how things went for me, then a suggestion.
I was diagnosed 4 years ago with stage 4 head & neck cancer. Grueling treatment, PEG dependant, vomitting blood, awful constipation, all kinds of fun & games on the cancer merry-go-round. The first week after treatment was the worst week of my life. The first month was woeful. The first 6 months were bad. But it got better. Honestly, it's still not perfect, but I'm still kicking, I'm a viable passenger on Spaceship Earth. So are you.
I relied on the PEG as my sole source of nutrition and hydration for .. I'll say 4-6 months, I honestly don't remember and it's !GREAT! that I don't remember. The fight is slipping into the past. I used to take formula via PEG and then vomit it up (with some blood and pain) from the mouth. It was awful and absurd. And it's over.
No matter how far past treatment you are - the shitty cancer side effects will get better. Just give it time.
The psychological stuff is a nightmare. The worry about recurrent cancer is the worst, but loneliness and isolation can certainly come within spitting distance. Alone is probably the worst word in the dictionary. Hell. Suffering. Depression. Those are just lesser synonyms. Feeling alone and without anchor is horrible.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
But you don't have to.
Knowing that the physical stuff gets better and you just need to keep your head down (my advice is distract yourself with whatever gives you the most slothful pleasure - netflix, computer games, whatever floats your boat). Anyway, knowing the the physical suffering improves ...
.. I strongly urge you to separate it completely, and look ONLY at the psychological stuff in the immediate short term.
Consider the loneliness, the feeling of futility - are you depressed ? Do you still walk your dog ? Take a proper stock of where you're at emotionally, how you feel day to day, whether it's sitting still, getting worse, or better. (And tie that into your recovery physically - because if you're in the deepest pit of physical suffering, put off the stocktake for a week or two - things will start to get better, and wait until then to take stock).
But yeah, I'd urge you to do a good solid triage of your mental health, and I guess in my mind the areas I'd want to focus in on are pretty simple -
Loneliness/Isolation: get a handle on how much of a problem this is, it sounds like a severe issue, but you need to wash away all the other stuff, get rid of the 'noise' and get a real handle on the problem.
Hope: I reckon a bit of hope is vital, get a handle on how positive or negative you feel about the short & longer term future and why.
Fun: think of the things you still enjoy (even if some of that enjoyment has been lost) and take stock of them.
With those 3 pieces of information, I reckon you could better articulate where you're at, either to a support community, or getting professional help. Those communities are starting points - I think the journey is about creating relationships .. making a new friend, talking to people who understand.
So yeah, my example might be:
Loneliness: I feel bereft and isolated, every day I feel as though nobody hears or understands me, cancer has changed me and I feel I no longer know myself or can relate to the people in my life
Hope: I actually feel pretty hopeful that I've beaten cancer
Fun: I really love binge watching teen dramas, and playing Call of Duty.
If that were my stocktake, then I'd know that focussing on cancer recurrence is a side-track, I'd simply look at connecting with new friends who better understand what I've been through (and also creating new strategies to better reconnect with my old friends, so we can both reach new platforms of understanding).
Sorry if some of this comes across as garbage - I think you need to break things down a bit, and - in breaking it down into it's parts, form a strategy for addressing each distinct part of the problem.
You've been fighting for your life.
Keep fighting.
