Returning to normal

[#1]

Jim you will always get support from me. I do really understand where you are coming from and, really there is no reason to keep battling on to please the doctors. I am sure you know you can sign a DNR (do not resuscitate) form so that if/when you decide to go they have no power to bring you back. Yes as a medical scientist you will know it all and that is even more reason to take the power for you life back into your own hands. There is nothing to worry about dying, the only worry is how you get there. The actual passing is a peaceful time because your body is actually already letting go and giving you the chance to drift and of course, by then you will be on Morphine and, no doubt, towards the end in a coma. I knew a man a couple of years ago who was dying of Multiple Myeloma. His daughter was sitting by his hospital bed and he was trying to just lie still. He suddenly got irritable and said to his daughter "Oh God, why doesn't everyone shut up? Don't they know I am trying to die" 😄 He did a few hours later. Look, I do run another chat forum for cancer in eBay and sometimes when I know someone is seriously needing support I give out my email address so you can speak to me privately if you wish. I am a 71 year old woman who has had cancer myself and also was a Carer for a very dear friend who died 7 years ago. I was beside her all the way. At present I have a very dear woman friend of 50 who has called me 'mum' for the past 6 years of cancer battle and is at the same stage as you, and she has also decided enough is enough, so I am there for her too. 30 years in the Health services ending with being a volunteer ambulance officer on Bruny Island has left me was a great deal of understanding about this thing called 'life'. I did have a Corner here that was connected to another web page I ran for cancer people for a year, but I closed it when it became cliquy. So Cancer Connections in Hobart know me. Anyway I'm here if you need further support and I would love to be here for you if you would like me to be. Best wishes to you Caro

[matsy]

Hi everyone I've been reading all these great posts and want to say thanks for sharing and reminding me that there is a very supportive community out there :). My husband has been in remission for 7 months and some days I just cannot find that "return to normal"; I find myself just wanting time to accelerate and be past the 5 year mark! And then somehow feel foolish in believing that will make us "safe". I feel guilty for complaining and not being grateful that we have come this far and without other difficulties. I struggle with all this, and wonder when things will feel better with distance...is 7 months just way too early?! Thanks for letting me vent!

[#3]

Hi Matsy If achieving 7 mths makes you both feel more positive then I suggest you savour that positive feeling. There's a trap in thinking in statistics. I had surgery in 2006 with a "50% chance of re-growth recurring within 5 years". As time went on I was sure I felt better and was "safer" but then it did recur in 2009, however the positive feeling until then did let me get on with life more positively in that period. Your husband is not a statistic and I believe such stats are only a very rough guide at best. Enjoy good health while it lasts and may it last long for him. You can never "return to normal" but may find that some good times are appreciated more as you learn to live for the here and now. best wishes jimf

[#4]

Hi ya matesy 😉 what sort of cancer did your husband have? 7 months is great and that is all that matters, counting down the days to 5 years really isn't worth the effort it takes. The chances are your husband is free and clear now, so many people survive this wretched condition nowadays and I bet your husband would not want to think you are watching all the time in case it returns :-( It's what Jim says, you can never 'return to normal', after all, what is normal? We are adaptable animals and that is what we have to be for one reason or another in this life and sooner or later 'normal' will be what you are feeling now, what you were not feeling before all this happened when you didn't know it was ahead of you. Just do what we all try to do, live one day at a time and never ever look into the future because whatever you imagine it is going to be like it will turn out differently, you can count on it 😄

[sarah]

Hi all, Just thinking about what Darkiescorner is saying - and, it the topic of this forum - what is normal? Life experiences that we go through change things. Sounds obvious to say but they do. Life and living as we know it on this planet, this reality, is a process thing ie, ever changing. For a simplistic example, if I won something - a car, a house, a holiday, lotto, it would change my state of 'normal'. Equally so, things like marriage, having children etc, change the 'normal' that was in place prior to these experiences. I think that, going through something like an intense illness, or experiencing it second hand, is on par with these experiences, in that it also changes the 'normal' that was, before. Some differences though are that it taps into primal survival instinct and can throw up insight and deep questionings about 'the other side' and about life in general; it triggers intense questioning about existence and 'what it all means'. After being confronted with this, life operates from a new paradigm. The foundations of you life as you knew it, have been rocked, and you are contending with psychic shock and trauma, the rebuilding of your psyche, the rebuilding of your life (friends, family etc), and you as a person, in whole. That's kinda how I found it anyhow...

[#6]

That is profound Sarah and so right. You have managed to put it in a nutshell. If you think of all the human race has endured over the past 100,000 years or more and we we endure today when it comes to natural disasters and we think of what the people in Indonesia had to contend with before 'normality' settled down again, then all we can really do is accept that we are amazing creatures how we adapt to things. We do adapt and that is what is normal. We can go through enormous traumas and yet, out the other side we recreate a life and carry on once more. Would you believe that winning $1,000,000.00 would upset you just as much as being told you had cancer? The feelings might be different, but the affect on our bodies is the same... shock, amazement, and then 'how do we cope with this?' I have gone through a fair number of traumas in my life and good or bad they each blow my mind and leave me exhausted until I regain 'normality' whatever that might be. Yes what is this thing called 'life' all about? I do know one thing, we really learn nothing until something difficult happens and we have to face the challenge and it is only then we can say we have become wiser. We learn nothing in an easy life and if we seek knowledge then you can bet the gods will supply us with learning 🙂

[#7]

I agree with jim, savour that positive feeling. After treatment for breast cancer, fear got its tendrils into me… fear of the cancer returning. Sleep was affected, mood was affected, tears were always close at hand. I wanted to regain my old life but too many changes had taken place.... I could not go back... there was only forward. Finally deciding to accept the change and making a personal decision not to live in fear, I felt fear loosening its grip. I say personal because it was the right choice for me … in my situation. We are all different and choose varying paths. Its natural to wonder what lies ahead but I had to relearn to enjoy moments in the present So far it seems to be working, now I experience humour in my day that previously I was blinded to. Its been 4yrs since diagnosis and tests remain clear of cancer.... that magic 5yrs creeps ever closer. If cancer rears its ugly head again... well, I don’t know for sure... for now I just want to enjoy planning a 60th birthday celebration for my sister... I'll see what happens after that. Take care. Reindeer

[#8]

Hi ya Reindeer, yes fear can indeed be one of the biggest issues with cancer and, I have been told it is also part of the symptoms of cancer - it is certainly something we all go through worrying about when they say we are free of it at last... "Will it return?" Well of course sometimes it does and we have to fight it all over again, but in so many cases nowadays it doesn't. It is a one off event and one we are glad to say good bye to. I had breast cancer some 13 years ago now and lost both breasts, there has been no return, but I do know now for sure at my age that if it did return, I would cope more easily knowing how I managed to get through it last time and if I had to really fight it this time I would until I was exhausted and then I would find no fear in thinking it was time to go. Death is not something to fear and yet it is death that causes the most fear with cancer. Trouble is we are not sure what death is, and that's a problem, but one thing is for sure - cancer of no cancer we will all find out one day. Until then we count each day a blessing and learn to live that day to the full 🙂

[sarah]

Hi Darkies corner, As I was writing it my partner made the same point - that winning $1M would be equally distressing and I agree, a bit in that yes, any major change in our life is a stress. With an illness the difference is that you are forced to confront some big questions that you could normally avoid by distraction. It was almost impossible to distract myself from myself and my inner world. When I was just lying like a vegetable, and my brain just wasn't functioning (can't go have coffee or shop, can't read, watch tv or hold a conversation), there was still a voice inside, an inner voice that was directing me to wonder: when all of this life is stripped away - like it is right now, as you watch the drip in your arm, the other deathly people around you zonked out, and people are mumbling at you - when it's all stripped away... what is it about then? And the questioning keeps going from there, deeply and intensely. Personally, I believe it's a great line of questioning, a line that we are 'supposed' to take; we are meant to question life and spend time on internal reflection. We are instead distracted from this inner world as we become immersed only with the physicality of this life, and the gratification that it brings us (movies, going out for coffee, shopping etc). What I was suggesting above was, there's kind of a great disservice to yourself if you keep longing for the way things were, before. You have a new experience now and you simply must incorporate it into your psyche - somehow, otherwise you will have to contend with the consequential trauma that comes from refusing your own growth. To long for the past is understandable, but it is ultimately regressive, and when it comes to big shifts in our lives, you are really being called to move forward in a new paradigm. I think when you are not physically disabled from the experience, eg, when you win lotto, or are a secondhand experiencer (family etc), you can still distract yourself from the experience quite easily, and avoid the deeper questioning that is at the root. That avoidance means not moving through the new experience in a conscious way, and it comes at a cost.

[#10]

Sarah I believe most people will never stop doing and distracting and avoiding until a red bus hits them and then they may not have time to adjust and accept with regret that they have successfully avoided awareness of life for XXyears. My credo is Cogito ergo sum. I think it is out of fashion these days. i.e. introspection You and your partner have been given a wakeup call. (Repeating myself I know) but savour it. best wishes jimf hold on...what's that on TV?