I just wanted to write briefly about my experience with cancer recovery, in case it resonates somehow with you, and that you may be able to take some strength from it.
You see .. for four years now, I've been waiting to die.
I didn't want to acknowledge it, but I have, I've just been spending as much time as I can with my kids, just neglecting everything else (including my own health), kind of pre-grieving my own funeral, I suppose. I imagine that's a feeling that many cancer survivors can relate to, to a lesser or greater degree.
Thing is, I haven't really been able to admit it, let alone seek any help - but all the evidence points to me suffering a pretty severe depression. I've just taken strength from the light and love that I draw from my wife and young kids, and that's allowed me to kind of rise above it and make the monumental effort of performing the absolute bare minimum in daily self care.
Realising I was a bad role model and underperforming as a parent was my PING moment.
You see, a switch has flicked in my head. I spent a week or two grappling for hope. Inspiration struck me to do a long walk (something I did as a child, walking from Brisbane to Sydney - it was very liberating and healing, escaping a bad domestic situation), I thought I could revisit my past and echo that experience to empower my future. I started thinking in terms of problem solving and positives, nibbling around the edges of my problems, analysing them. Once I looked at the depression head on, I could no longer ignore it.
So I flicked the switch.
This past month, every ounce of spiritual strength I've accumulated in my life has fired up, I've been so strong and resolute. Instead of grappling for hope, it's fired up inside me. Undeniable. Strong.
Mid December, I weighed 137.5kg. Yep. Thyroid and depression, I'd put on 50kg since treatment finished. My PING moment happened on the 15th or so. Today is the 29th. Today I weigh 128kg. I thought I could barely walk 5km without becoming fatigued. This past fortnight I've been walking 10km MINIMUM every day. Oh yeah, I suffer, oh yeah, it's hard. My thyroid medicine is finally in order, so I'm able to take the reins with my health. Intermittent fasting, exerise .. bang .. almost 10k down in like 2 weeks. It'll taper off, but my effort WONT. I'm pretty comfortable that within 3 months I'll no longer meet the criteria for morbidly obese.
The thing is ...... we probably have this in common --- we beat cancer. The big C ! WE BEAT THE BIG C !!!
What in the everloving eff is depression next to cancer. Cancer laughs in the face of depression. Depression is it's left kneecap .. an integral part of cancer, but c'mon, if we can beat cancer, we can SHINE, we can find ways to beat any lesser problem, of course we can !
If you're broken too, drifting a bit, without anchor, gaining weight, losing health, losing COHESION .. that PING moment is available to you too. That switch.
I'll update you in 3 months and a year -- I'm going to be fine. I'm going to get my health 100% straight, no more whining about ... all of it ... leg cramps, reflux, tinitis, cough/vomit, etc etc etc etc ... obesity complicates almost every chronic health problem, so that part I *CAN* fix.
And I'm just a boofhead. A weirdo. Definitely a boofhead. If I can turn things around this late in the game ... SO CAN YOU.
I'm sorry, I'm just firing straight from the heart here (as opposed to firing from the hip ??) so ... just wanted to put it all out there in case it helps you.
If you feel broken, but look at things head on, you can navigate to a place of strength.
I guess that's my message.
All the best
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